We are expecting!!!!

So very excited to announce the fact that we are expecting!!  We are pregnant!!!  


So much to catch up on.  I quit blogging because
#1 we planned on being done trying and
#2  Blogging was to painful.
Even when I knew we were trying again I didn't want anyone to know because i couldn't handle discussing something so very raw emotionally with everyone.

So, in the extremely shortened/condensed version of what has happened in the past 6 months is that my doctor offered another option we had not tried yet:  Get 2 batches of embryos, test them all for genetic problems, and try to get at least 2 good one's to transfer.  We also found a new way of funding all of this (since we were out of $).  So we decided to give it one last go.
Unfortunately, Jane apparently decided she was done with us.  (this was about 1 month after the last failure). I tried calling/emailing/facebooking about 10 times asking if she was willing to do it again (for more $ this time) and telling her that it was perfectly fine if she didn't want to, but I just wanted to know.  I got absolutely no response.  She wouldn't respond to anyone at the clinic either which baffled them since she had recently told the nurse practioner at the clinic that she'd be willing to do it again for us as many times as we wanted.  Nobody ever got a hold of her so I finally moved on. Through a little facebook stalking I discovered she had an unsuccessful attempt at another surrogacy in september.   I have no ill feelings towards Jane.  she was wonderful while I had her.
Finding another surrogate was a HUGE struggle.  I was burned by so many people and lost thousands to agencies who provided nothing for me.  I figured my best bet was to advertise on craigslist in Utah.  I got all kinds of weirdish people who would respond to me.  They'd send HUGE emails giving me every detail of their life and telling me how they qualified in every way "I've never done anything against the word of wisdom in my life".  I learned to not even read the long emails until I first copied and pasted their names into Facebook.   Most of the time I could get a lot better idea of what they were truly like very quickly on Facebook.  When Budweiser is on their list of favorites and they have pictures of their tattoos I get the point rather quickly.
But then I got an email from Vanessa.  She didn't have insurance which meant automatically that I wasn't going to waste my time with her although she looked wonderful.  Well, see for yourself:One of my favorite pictures of her and her husband.
When I went to Utah and we got together a few times.She is the cute one on the left whereas I'm the completely awfully frumpy one on the right.

Shortly after Vanessa first contacted me we realized that whereas she didn't have insurance, she could have insurance since her husband Clark had just started a new job and was still in enrollment period.  PERFECT timing.  So we got her signed up.  Perfect.  Everything with Vanessa went extremely easy.  Not a single bump along the path.  It just felt so right and she was too good to be true...   Not only that, but she lives within the same zip code as not only the clinic we've been using, but also my parent's house.  Even better! (although I would have used her even if she would have lived in Maine).  
Vanessa is wonderful, I'm sure I'll blog more about her later (still trying to keep this the short version).  Oh, and she is completely fine with me using her name so no code names needed.  I however still prefer my name not be paired with the fact that we are doing surrogacy.  Why? because when we move again in 18 months I want to go to a place where nobody knows my baby(s) are surrogate babies.  I don't want people to be able to google me and figure out that my babies were born from a surrogate mother.
Vanessa has a great blog. Currently it contains a lot more about the details of what is going on.  http://myamundson5.blogspot.com/ 
I'm making this announcement to my blog knowing that there were only a few select people that I gave the link to originally, and that I'm sure most of them stopped following this long ago. We are not going announce our pregnancy to the public just yet (still feeling cautious I guess) and so if you are lucky enough to run across this post, feel privileged but please don't pass on the information just yet.
I just HAD to tell my blog.  Even if nobody out there is reading it.
Lots more to come later.  We'll find out if we are having multiples on the 2nd of december.

THE END

She is not pregnant.  We are heartbroken. 

Going crazy

Maybe blogging this will help.  I doubt it.
I'm not sure if I'm going to survive until Wednesday.  I just need to know the answer...pregnant or not pregnant.  With every passing day I'm growing more and more anxious and nervous because Jane told me she bought a bunch of pregnancy tests and she'd call me the minute one turned out positive.  When she was pregnant with our baby that miscarried we had a positive result by day 6 (I'm fairly sure).  We are at day 7 now and I've heard nothing.  I know that that doesn't mean anything conclusive, but it just makes me nervous.  1 blood test tomorrow, one wednesday.  
Going blue from holding my breath....

Emotional roller coaster of a day

This blog is mostly for myself, but in case someone benefits from it, read on if you wish.

After finding out our news this morning I felt like we are already mourning another loss.  Although there is still a chance we could get a healthy baby, I just realize that this is our last chance.  The previous 3 attempts have been major disappointments so I'm prepping myself for the worst.
I spent Easter Sunday at my in-law's ward.  Honestly I had a hard time focusing on anything that was said.  I was sulking in a way I guess.  And then, to make matters worse, in Relief Society a girl in the back row announced to everyone "Our surrogate is pregnant with twins! Due in July!"  My mother in law wanted me to pipe in and make a general announcement in Relief society that we had just transfered our embryo to our surrogate this morning.  I refused to do so for 2 reasons:
1.   Beings that the church discourages it, I don't think Relief Society meeting is the place to be making announcements about it.   It's like announcing your favorite coffee in RS meeting.
2.   My emotions on the subject are very raw at this point.  People are judgemental and don't understand.  Besides, it would be like announcing that you are pregnant with a baby that you know has a good chance of miscarrage.  Who wants to announce it when their is a good chance they will have to un-announce it if it miscarries?
I went up and talked to this LDS intended parent after RS.  This is her 5th and 6th children from surrogacy.  She did ovarian stimulation once 9 years ago and have been using the same batch of frozen eggs since.  Every attempt has been success and they lived happily ever after.  Boy I was really feeling sorry for myself after that.

But fear not readers-- my day ended on a more positive note than that.  I spent the evening talking to some friends of ours Sergio and Sarah who's 1 year old baby girls died unexpectedly just 2 weeks ago.  We discussed so many aspects of life/trials/perspective (way too many to blog).  By golly, when someone just lost a child 2 weeks ago they have some INSIGHTFUL things to say and those of us listening have open ears. Some of the things that I gained from my discussion with them tonight:
1.  Someone ALWAYS has it worse off than I do.
2.  I'm very lucky to have the 2 beautiful children that I have (especially considering the fact that my doctor said today that they are 2 miracles considering the quality of my embryos).
3.   The Lord has a plan for me and maybe this surrogacy is not it.  Or, maybe we just were due for a trial in life (I'd rather have my trial than hers!).
4.   When we start having negative woe-is-me type of thoughts, this is Satan trying to destroy us.  When tough circumstances come, it brings us to a fork in the road: Either closer to Christ or following Satan.  When negativity and doubt enters your mind the best thing to do is immediately label your thought as "from Satan"  and kick it out of your mind.  Don't give it a chance to grow.  Focus on the positive, moving forward, and helping others grow from the experience.
5.  Utilizing the atonement is essential during difficult times.  Sarah commented that she realized until now she didn't know how to use  the Atonement.  All we have to do is ask the Lord in prayer:  "Please taken my pain from me.  Please ease my burden, help me understand..."
6.  Sarah and I discussed the best and worst ways to help someone who is going through a terrible trial.  Conclusions:  don't ask them "how are you doing?"  Either they must lie or they must say "terrible" which makes them feel obligated to explain (which they may not want to do).  Instead say "I"m thinking about you.  I'm praying for you"  which isn't ignoring the subject, but it isn't forcing them to talk about it either.
Next, unless you are CLOSE with that person already, don't visit.  Don't even call except for just to say you care and offer services.   Sarah expressed the fact that she felt like she told her story 20 times per day to so many different people and she felt like she was just coughing up the story on demand trying to make others feel better when she really didn't want to.    Next, don't say "let me know if you need anything".   Instead, find a way to help and show love.  Examples she gave:  Someone dropped of paper goods on their porch, someone took suits to be cleaned/pressed prior to the funeral, etc..

I'm so glad I got to talk to Sergio and Sarah tonight.  I sure hope that in 10 days we find out we are expecting , but if we don't I know I'll be ok despite the dashed dreams.  Perspective.

My 2 sweet little blessings.  Miracles according to the doctor.

Bad news about embryos

15 minutes before the scheduled transfer my doctor called us to give us the report on the embryos' genetics.  Not good.  Of the 9 biopsied, only 1 was normal.  The rest had severe chromosomal abnormalities on multiple chromosomes (52 chromosomes, 28 chromosomes, etc..)  The only good one happens to be a girl.  She will be transfered to Jane this morning and we'll find out in 10 days if she is pregnant.
1 out of 21 eggs.  The doctor said I could expect the same results if I was to do it again.  He said he is also giving me a 50% chance of miscarriage for any pregnancy I would have myself.    My slow-to-stimulate self is related to having poor quality eggs.
Since we have no eggs to freeze we won't be able to do our last paid for frozen transfer if this doesn't work.  In fact, we won't be able to afford to do this again for at least a few years...IF we decided to do it again.
We are fervently praying this morning for success.  Clinging to our last hope.

Injections/bloatedness/and hyperstimulation syndrome

This is my trigger-day swollen belly. When you have 21 2-inch follicles inside of huge ovaries it makes you poof out a bit. It was quite uncomfortable actually.

This is my beautifully scarred abdomen that shows all sorts of signs of my attempts at reproduction. We have lots of bruises and marks from my 4-6 injections per day, we have my lovely stretch marks (1 per pregnancy), and we have my 2nd belly button which is where I had my feeding tube for my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. No exactly bikini ready am I?
Oh, and I'm holding my syringes. I'd like to point out that the needle on my syringe is too big and I would have switched it to a smaller one for my subcutaneous injection in my tummy. But my poor surrogate gets those big of needles every day (intramuscular in her booty). No fun for her-- she's been doing it for MONTHS.

After the transfer I started having symptoms of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Swollen painful abdomen, nausea, shortness of breath, etc.. This would be a concern if I was going to be the one getting pregnant this week, but since I'm not it is something is bothersome and will go away in time. My poor sister in law spent more than a week in the hospital with it with her IVF pregnancy. Just another reason to be glad I'm doing a surrogacy!!!
Lastly our 7 remaining embryos that were good quality were biopsied and are in the process of being tested.  Anxiously awaiting results!

Attempt # 4 here we go

Tomorrow will be my egg harvesting.  Last they told me I have 18 follicles this time.  yeah!!!  I personally think it was the IUD removal that made the difference.  I'm going to be glad to get this done tomorrow because those 18 little follicles (2cm each on average) feel like 2 fists in my sides.  It is very uncomfortable especially when sitting.  My ovaries must be huge and they are quite sore. I've also been really exhausted and sleepy.  But I'm glad-- this is what we wanted. 
So, ironically:  after my clinic paid for S Utah from California for more sperm and blood(since they discarded the frozen stuff on accident) they almost had to pay for another plane ticket.   They called S just as he was boarding his plane and said "we need you to come back to the clinic-- we need another vile of blood".  He asked them if they wanted to pay for a different plane ticket and they decided they didn't need the blood so badly after all.
I hope that it works this time because we can't afford to try again anytime soon.  This process is crazy expensive.  74% chance this time.  Transfer date Easter Sunday and we'll find out 10 days later if it worked.