A child's prayer

I have to say that I love love love looking at pictures of Vanessa's fat belly and our ultrasound picture on her blog. I'm willing to bet that I'll be on her blog more than anyone else : )

My little Kiera (5) said the prayer at dinner last night. "...and Heavenly Father, please please PLEASE PLEASE help us to get a baby in our family. Give that baby to the doctor so he can put it in Vanessa's tummy and she can drive for a long drive in the car to Illinois and give that baby to us....."
I explained the process or surrogacy to Kiera back before the transfer and have not mentioned a word about it since. She remembers. We are waiting to tell her until we are further along... it is just too long to wait for muchkins.

Vanessa is wrong about one thing in her blog post. She said she imagined that this pregnancy is probably taking forever for S. and myself. Not so. We always comment to each other on how crazy fast it is all going. One must understand our background though: We've waited for 2 years to get this pregnancy...that is a lot of hard waiting. It is a line that never moves.... this is easy waiting because we are at least moving forward! Also, the biggest factor making this pregnancy speed by is the fact every day of my pregnancies felt like a week (very literally). Some days I was bad enough I wanted to die. And I'm not saying that for some sort of dramatic blog affect. I really did-- I was hospitalized on suicide watch. I don't exaggerate a bit when I say that it felt like my first pregnancy lasted about 5 years (my second maybe 3). This pregnancy is flying by. Baby will be here before we know it!

We are so very excited! I'm so excited to go and touch Vanessa's pregnant belly; to see him/her move on an ultrasound and know a gender. This is all a miracle and such a dream come true.

Cute pregnant lady.

Cute picture hu? you'd never know she was pregnant. She says she's at that awkward stage where she is a bit fat but not looking pregnant yet. We've entered the 2nd trimester!!!
I stole this picture of her off of facebook and reposted it. I feel like I'm stalking her....

The pictures idea

I had a thought a few days ago. Pictures to document this journey. What is the "norm" on taking pictures with a surrogate? I feel after my journey through the surrogacy world thus far that the normal way of doing things is that surrogate and intended parents have a very business like relationship. Vanessa and I are far closer than that. I would love to have pictures to document this journey forever. Professional pictures though? Do people do that? should we do that? Is that cheesy?
 I go to Google to answer all of life's questions (Well, those questions that are not answered through prayer- either Google or prayer right?) These were the only pictures that google had of intended parents and surrogates together during pregnancy.

Icky and terribly cheesy!

Ok I guess, but not very personal.  Does not capture the miracle that surrogacy is.  Does not capture love.

Obviously this is a picture of a woman in India.  Indian Surrogates are very common.  From what I know, intended parents only get to meet the surrogate twice and don't have a relationship with her.  Lack of faces in this picture might have been mandatory for cultural or privacy reasons, but it sure is impersonal.

This picture is probably just an advertisement.  My guess is that this is not truly a surrogate and intended mother.  It is, however, a cute/happy picture.

I had to include this although this is off subject.  I just have to say that I am so excited for this moment in our lives!!!  

Holy cold.  And it makes the intended mother look so selfish.  "don't want to ruin my perfect body.  Her body is meant for pumping out babies-- my body is made to be perfect"

Cute picture.  Again, I'm thinking this is not an actual surrogate and intended mother.  

Seems like a very cold and selfish looking picture.  "we'll just sit here looking pretty while you grow our baby.  Let us know when you are done!"

Can you believe that that is the extent of pictures on the internet?  I talked to Vanessa tonight and we decided we'll get some professional pictures taken.  Nothing cheesy, just sentimental and something to remember this wonderful journey by.  If you have any good ideas for us, let us know!

Best gift ever

Vanessa gave me the best Christmas gift ever.  

I won't get too specific about the $ situation of our surrogacy in case Vanessa (or Clark) cares.  So lets just say I owe them varying amounts of money for different things at different times of the month.  Vanessa called me a week before Christmas and 1 day before I owed her a chunk of change.  She told me to not send the money to her, and instead to use that money for Christmas for my family.  She also told me to eliminate one of the other payments I owed her in the future and to use the money instead to come out  to Utah for the 20-week formal ultrasound.  (I accepted the elimination of the 1 payment, but not both).  I could not believe it.   What a great gift!  I've being going back and forth on going to Utah for the ultrasound. I've absolutely wanted to go. But I couldn't justify it when we are so tight with money right now.  It is hard not being a part of the pregnancy and having it be so far away from me (but not as hard as other things-- I'm not complaining).  I really want to go out for the ultrasound...and now I can and I will.  I'm so excited!  

In contrast to her wonderful gift to me, I got her a custom made maternity shirt.  I bought it back when we were having triplets.  Therefore it will be way too big for her.  It mentions on the shirt that she is carrying surrogate triplets. So yep, now it is a too-big and an factually incorrect shirt.  I'm sure Vanessa would post about it, but she probably doesn't want to embarrass me, so I'll go ahead and embarrass myself.  But, I have some great gift ideas for the future with which to redeem myself.  

Almost down to 200 days!!

PS-- I have to put a plug in for Clark (Vanessa's husband).  He has started hosting a show on Mitt Romney Radio.  I think it is pretty awesome.  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mittromneyradio/2011/12/31/mitt-romney-radio--clark-amundson--123011   Fridays 9pm EST

nothing momentous....

I guess this is the part where my blog gets boring for the next 6 months or so.  All of the exciting major events happen at the beginning and the end.  Now we just hurry up at wait (at least I do-- Vanessa is a bit more involved).    So I guess I'll be digging for things to write about.
At this point I still have not told my 2 daughters.  I'm already glad that I didn't tell them we were having triplets.  I think I'll wait  a few more months to tell them just because July is forever away to a 3 and 5 year old.  But they pray every single day "and please help us to get a new baby in our family".
Thus far, my ward here has been very positive about the idea of surrogacy.  But I've only really announced it to my friends (the young crowd) and I told my bishop in a temple-recommend interview.    I'm waiting for the news to spread itself and I'm 100% prepared for any negative reactions.  At this point, after all we've been through I don't think a hundred negative reactions would change anything about how I feel about it.  I know that S. and I chose to do the right thing for our family and that we got our own spiritual confirmation.  The Lord knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows we are trying to perpetuate our family to follow his plan.  I don't feel like we are doing this for selfish reasons.  I feel like we are not messing with the boundries of families because the baby is 100% ours.
On a side note, I can't remember if I've ever blogged this fact or not, so I might as well say it now.  Once upon a time we asked our bishop if a surrogate baby would be born under the covenant.  He didn't know so he took it to the Stake President...who took it to the temple president...who took it to some member of the 1st presidency....    The answer that we got back from the bishop via the first presidency was that the baby would be born under the covenant and would not need to be sealed to us.  It makes me wonder what they would say about a traditional surrogate baby.  (I'll never know and that's ok I guess).  The fact that our baby is going to be sealed to us from the moment of birth just confirms to me once again that what we are doing is not wrong.  We are doing surrogacy the one and only right way.
I think about Vanessa and baby constantly and pray for them just as much.....and check her blog almost as much : )

Tied up

This is a little personal, but I guess this entire blog is, so what the heck...
Today I went and got my tubes tied (permanent birth control)  I had to be there at 6am and the hospital is nearly 2 hours away so my entire family woke up at 4am and drove through the cold darkness to get there.    We could have got a hotel room or a babysitter to make it easier, but we are on a tight budget.
I had a lot of time to think on the way there.  Lots of memories came back to me of when I had the abortion.  Ironically, Vanessa is 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow which is exactly where I was in my pregnancy when I was forced to abort.   I've waiting a long time to get this done and even this morning I was hesitating.  When you get something like this done the doctor asks "now are you 100% sure you don't ever want more children?"  No!  absolutely no.  I definitely do want children.   It is such a hard thing for me because I want to have more children more than anything else right now....     but pregnancy is just too difficult and dangerous.  Throughout this entire process over the past 2 years I've kept going back to the idea of pregnancy for me again.  But I don't have to think about it very long before I remember why I can NEVER do it again.   Even still, I was quite emotional as I drove to the hospital and I looked at my beautiful sleeping girls in the back seat and in a way I felt like I was rejecting them by getting my tubes tied.
Once at the hospital, my little family came in to see me to my room.  All of the medical personnel commented on my darling girls.  I felt a great need to let them know that I wasn't getting my tubal ligation because I didn't want more children.  I just needed them to understand for some reason.  So I told them about our surrogate and baby.  Everyone's first question was "where did you find your surrogate?"  I told them "Craigslist" and braced myself for that all-knowing oh-dear-I-hope-she-doesn't-scam-you look on their face that they tried to mask with a fakely enthusiastic "great!"  I tried to tell them how wonderful she is in 2 sentences,  But of course that cannot be done. I even got choked up as I told one of the nurses about my angel surrogate Vanessa.    Anyone who has read her blog can agree with me, but even then you don't quite understand how wonderful she is.  I love that girl.
This afternoon I was in my bed very sore, with a raspy voice trying to wake up from anesthesia.  My phone which was on the bed with me rang.  I thought to myself "I'm only going to answer it if it is Vanessa"  It was.  She is my new favorite person for sure.  
Today was an emotional day for me, but knowing I'll be getting 1 more in just 218 days made it much easier.  Otherwise, I don't think I could have done it.

What to say to someone who has experienced a loss 101

I think I'm handling this loss a bit better than Vanessa at this point.  S and I have always been a bit cautious about getting our hopes up too high because of our many disappointments in the past.  As I said in a blog before, when they first told me we had triplets my first thoughts were that I was likely to loose some if not all. So I don't think it came as quite of a shock to me as it did to Vanessa.

I write this more for Vanessa's benefit than for my own.   I have experienced quite a bit of loss.  Every time I do I get all sorts of reactions and things said by people that are both good and bad.  Those who say/do the right things can help.  Those who say/do the wrong things can add salt to fresh wounds.  Vanessa is having a hard time with this loss and people already are not making it easier.  So, please take a moment to read and learn about how to be helpful/supportive with anyone who has experienced a loss.

1.  Acknowledge their loss.  If you hear about it from another source (friend, internet) don't just ignore the subject.  It might make them seem like you don't care.  

2.  Acknowledge their loss and nothing more.  Do not ask "how are you doing?" Do not say "maybe it's for the better.."  do not say "he is in a better place now".  Do not try to make them feel better because it won't work and many times it make them feel worse.  And please don't add your opinion and words of wisdom.

Good ways to react:  if you hear about it directly from the person just say "I'm so sorry, I'll be praying for you" (no opinions or trying to make it better).  

If you hear about it from another source you can send a card/flowers or tell them in person "I heard about your loss.  Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and I care"  The key to this is making sure that your statement is not open ended with a question or anything. Then can just say "thanks" The person experiencing loss does not feel obligated to discuss it (but they can if they want in which case your job is to be a listener).

Personally, I think a phone call or showing up on someone's doorstep to discuss is not the best way to handle  it.  Either would make the person feel obligated to discuss it with you.  

So in summary:  acknowledge their loss without offering any opinions or asking them any questions.  Just let them know you care...period.