Blighted Ovum

Found out today that the sac is empty. No baby was ever there in the first place.  Although this is very sad news I was actually a bit relieved.  'For some reason it is easier to have never had something in the first place than it is to have it and loose it.  So, now we have to wait for Jane's body to discard the empty sac and her pregnancy blood levels to go back to zero and then we can transfer 2 more embryos and try again. 
I find it all of this that I keep looking for someone to blame.  I thought it must be the fault of the clinic, and then I thought it must be Jane's fault.  But in researching it I found that most likely it was just genetically bad (which would make it my fault).   I guess maybe it makes it easier to find someone to place the blame on.  But it is just a cruel trick of Mother Nature.

The ugly truth of it

So the Doctor just called me to tell me how Jane's ultrasound went.  She said that they can see a sac there, but that there is bleeding around it.  She also said that the HCG levels only went up from 212 to 236.  She gives this pregnancy an 85% chance of miscarriage.  Impending doom. 

I'm hesitant to write this in a blog for fear of judgement, but I'm going to write it nevertheless because I want to be honest about this strange surrogacy experience I'm going through (for the benifit of others considering doing it in the future).  When I got the previous bad-news phone call last week my first reaction was "oh no!!!  My babies are going to be even further appart now.  Ok, we'll just have to try again."   I was at work at the time doing absolutely nothing so I got to thinking a bit deeper about it all.  I had just been told I would likely loose my child.  I thought about my previous loss last January (medically necessary abortion) and how it broke me to pieces.  HELLO!!!  I'm loosing my child again!! 
I find it very interesting that when I told S the bad news he had the same exact reaction as me.  "Oh no!  That is terrible-- Well we'll just have to try again."  Neither of us initially thought about the fact that we had an actual baby that we were loosing.  It felt more like the pregnancy had never worked in the first place.  I think that it is crazy how easy it is to distance yourself from it when it is not in your own womb.  We are not cold un-feeling people.  We want a baby with all of our hearts, it is just strange/terrible how easy it is to distance yourself from your own child when someone else is carrying it for you.  

Not looking good

Truth be told:  ever since the last blood draw (a week ago?) I've had a feeling this baby is going to miscarry.  It is one of those things that you don't want to say out loud, but i definitely felt that way.  In fact, I told S yesterday that I just felt like the baby would miscarry. 

So today when my phone rang and I saw who was calling I answered it and braced myself for bad news. The nurse from the fertility center told me " the HCG levels are in the 200's.  They are supposed to be in the thousands by now"
 "So does that mean the baby is going to miscarry?"
  "I asked the Nurse Practitioner and she said she has only seen 2 babies make it through a pregnancy with low number...but those babies had numbers in the high hundreds at this point and yours are in the low hundreds.  The NP said she has NEVER seen numbers so low at this point.  So your surrogate is going to have an ultrasound monday to check for an ectopic pregnancy or anything else."  

So basically there is a tiny chance everything could be fine, but it isn't likely.  Very disappointing, but like I said, I was expecting bad news.  So, nothing to do but wait for more bad news. 

Beta numbers

Another update from the Dr's office:  The numbers are on the low side of normal.  They are supposed to double every 2 days, but thus far it has been 16,  25,  44.  She said they will continue to check it (November 5th) and that it means we are most likely only having 1 baby. 

I'm disappointed a bit about the fact that we are probably not having twins.  But then again that makes it more likely that the baby will be healthy.....so maybe it is a good thing.    I'm just a bit nervous about the low numbers though.  I don't want this to turn into a miscarriage.

WE'RE EXPECTING!

I got a phone call from the doctor's office while at Disneyland yesterday.  They let me know that Jane is pregnant!  She had her 2nd beta blood test.  The numbers are supposed to double and the doctor said that it were 'just short of doubling'  so they will check it again in 2 days to be safe. 

Soooooo,   due date is July 6th!   We'll find out the week of thanksgiving if it is 1 or 2.    Kiera says it is 2:  a boy and a girl.  So, we'll see if she is right. 

I'm soooo excited and relieved.    But it doesn't seem real yet.  

Can YOU see it?

Jane sent me this today and said "this is the first true positive-- for the past few days it has turned positive after 15 minutes or so."  I don't really see it as positive....... but I'm hoping she's right.  She has her first blood test today testing for the pregnancy hormone.  Then she does it again in 2 days to make sure that the level is increasing.  I'm sooooooooooooooo anxious to find out!!  (Update posted later:  her hcg level was 16...I've been searching the internet and I think 16 is an acceptable level at this stage if she was pregnant....) 

For the past 3 days my 3 year old has been praying "an thank you for we to get a baby in our family".  She has been known to have an extra spiritual intuition about this in the past, so I'm hoping that is the case.  We've obviously been praying "please help us to get a baby in our family"  but her statement starts out "thank you for".   Crossing our fingers!                                      

The Transfer

So yesterday was a big day. John and Jane drove in and we got to meet them for the first time and we hung out for about 2 hours before the transfer. They are exactly the way I imagined them and they were ever so nice. It was comforting to see that our kiddos will be in good hands. If I had only 1 complaint about them it is that they are too easy-going and not as type-A as I am. But that can also be a good thing I guess.
They invited us in to watch the transfer. First the doctor came in and informed us that 5 our our 8 embryos are good quality. So that is 2 to use and 3 to freeze for later. After Jane was prepped on the table, an embryologist came in with a thin plastic flexible tube and said "Nelson. 2 Embryos" and then the fertility doctor inserted them with the guidance of ultrasound. We watched the 2 little air-bubbles that the embryos were incased in appear on the ultrasound in her uterus. It took 2 minutes. Amazing.
So, now we wait. 9 more days until we will know for sure via 2 blood tests. I can't wait!!! Jane told me last go-around she took a pregnancy 5 days later and it was positive. So, maybe we'll know (or at least have a good guess) sooner than that. Crossing our fingers and saying our prayers!

An actual photo of 2 of our 5 embryos. Most people only get ultrasound images until they are born, but no-- we have actual photos : ) I think they look like S.

Jane wore her lucky socks and lucky shirt. She wore them to the transfer last time she was a surrogate and it worked... so let's hope.

Intended parents on right. Surrogate parents on left.

Jane Doe and myself in front of the clinc.

S took this picture of me as I was coming out of anesthesia after the egg retrival. Lovely I know.

Me at the clinic right before the egg retrival.