Feeling Deperate

Maybe I need to change the name of this blog.  I don't seem to be expecting (which was the point). 

I feel low right now.  This past failure has been the hardest for me of all of them.  All my life I've had the idea that I can get whatever I want if I just work hard enough.  I've always achieved the "impossible" with a some determination and hard work.  But nomatter what I do, I can't change the fact that we don't have a baby and my dream of having my children close together is being shattered.  I know, I know,  many say that that is not important.  BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME. 
Maybe the Lord is trying to teach me something here.  Maybe he is trying to teach me that sometimes I just have to rely on him and nomatter how much effort I put into it, I'm still dependent on him.  If that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn here then what am I supposed to do about it?  Quit my job?  Stop stressing?  I don't know!
So we try again. But due to the fact that our clinic only does IVF every other month, we have to wait until April  Advice for anyone going through IVF:  never never never never NEVER use a clinic that only does cycling every other month!!!!!!!   This is the 3rd time that we have to wait an extra month (or 2) because we barely meet the cut of date for their cycling. 
At this point I'm feeling deserate.  I'm willing to try anything or do anything to get a baby here.  Adoption, a second surrogate? Try pregnancy myself.....no that is going too far. 
All I can do is pray.

Another failure

I'm not very happy right now. 
She's not pregnant.
We'll try again ASAP.
I guess with a 30% chance it was to be expected.

Helplessness

At this very moment hundreds of mile away in Idaho a doctor is implanting my surrogate with our embryos.
The doctor called this morning to tell me that only 2 of the 3 embryos survived the thaw and only 1 of them was in good condition.  He will transfer both.  But he said odds of pregnacy were 30%.  Not very good, but we'll cling to that chance. 
Lots of prayers are being sent heavenward today.  It is all that I can do at this point. 
We'll find out if it worked on the 21st.