Blighted Ovum

Found out today that the sac is empty. No baby was ever there in the first place.  Although this is very sad news I was actually a bit relieved.  'For some reason it is easier to have never had something in the first place than it is to have it and loose it.  So, now we have to wait for Jane's body to discard the empty sac and her pregnancy blood levels to go back to zero and then we can transfer 2 more embryos and try again. 
I find it all of this that I keep looking for someone to blame.  I thought it must be the fault of the clinic, and then I thought it must be Jane's fault.  But in researching it I found that most likely it was just genetically bad (which would make it my fault).   I guess maybe it makes it easier to find someone to place the blame on.  But it is just a cruel trick of Mother Nature.

The ugly truth of it

So the Doctor just called me to tell me how Jane's ultrasound went.  She said that they can see a sac there, but that there is bleeding around it.  She also said that the HCG levels only went up from 212 to 236.  She gives this pregnancy an 85% chance of miscarriage.  Impending doom. 

I'm hesitant to write this in a blog for fear of judgement, but I'm going to write it nevertheless because I want to be honest about this strange surrogacy experience I'm going through (for the benifit of others considering doing it in the future).  When I got the previous bad-news phone call last week my first reaction was "oh no!!!  My babies are going to be even further appart now.  Ok, we'll just have to try again."   I was at work at the time doing absolutely nothing so I got to thinking a bit deeper about it all.  I had just been told I would likely loose my child.  I thought about my previous loss last January (medically necessary abortion) and how it broke me to pieces.  HELLO!!!  I'm loosing my child again!! 
I find it very interesting that when I told S the bad news he had the same exact reaction as me.  "Oh no!  That is terrible-- Well we'll just have to try again."  Neither of us initially thought about the fact that we had an actual baby that we were loosing.  It felt more like the pregnancy had never worked in the first place.  I think that it is crazy how easy it is to distance yourself from it when it is not in your own womb.  We are not cold un-feeling people.  We want a baby with all of our hearts, it is just strange/terrible how easy it is to distance yourself from your own child when someone else is carrying it for you.  

Not looking good

Truth be told:  ever since the last blood draw (a week ago?) I've had a feeling this baby is going to miscarry.  It is one of those things that you don't want to say out loud, but i definitely felt that way.  In fact, I told S yesterday that I just felt like the baby would miscarry. 

So today when my phone rang and I saw who was calling I answered it and braced myself for bad news. The nurse from the fertility center told me " the HCG levels are in the 200's.  They are supposed to be in the thousands by now"
 "So does that mean the baby is going to miscarry?"
  "I asked the Nurse Practitioner and she said she has only seen 2 babies make it through a pregnancy with low number...but those babies had numbers in the high hundreds at this point and yours are in the low hundreds.  The NP said she has NEVER seen numbers so low at this point.  So your surrogate is going to have an ultrasound monday to check for an ectopic pregnancy or anything else."  

So basically there is a tiny chance everything could be fine, but it isn't likely.  Very disappointing, but like I said, I was expecting bad news.  So, nothing to do but wait for more bad news. 

Beta numbers

Another update from the Dr's office:  The numbers are on the low side of normal.  They are supposed to double every 2 days, but thus far it has been 16,  25,  44.  She said they will continue to check it (November 5th) and that it means we are most likely only having 1 baby. 

I'm disappointed a bit about the fact that we are probably not having twins.  But then again that makes it more likely that the baby will be healthy.....so maybe it is a good thing.    I'm just a bit nervous about the low numbers though.  I don't want this to turn into a miscarriage.

WE'RE EXPECTING!

I got a phone call from the doctor's office while at Disneyland yesterday.  They let me know that Jane is pregnant!  She had her 2nd beta blood test.  The numbers are supposed to double and the doctor said that it were 'just short of doubling'  so they will check it again in 2 days to be safe. 

Soooooo,   due date is July 6th!   We'll find out the week of thanksgiving if it is 1 or 2.    Kiera says it is 2:  a boy and a girl.  So, we'll see if she is right. 

I'm soooo excited and relieved.    But it doesn't seem real yet.  

Can YOU see it?

Jane sent me this today and said "this is the first true positive-- for the past few days it has turned positive after 15 minutes or so."  I don't really see it as positive....... but I'm hoping she's right.  She has her first blood test today testing for the pregnancy hormone.  Then she does it again in 2 days to make sure that the level is increasing.  I'm sooooooooooooooo anxious to find out!!  (Update posted later:  her hcg level was 16...I've been searching the internet and I think 16 is an acceptable level at this stage if she was pregnant....) 

For the past 3 days my 3 year old has been praying "an thank you for we to get a baby in our family".  She has been known to have an extra spiritual intuition about this in the past, so I'm hoping that is the case.  We've obviously been praying "please help us to get a baby in our family"  but her statement starts out "thank you for".   Crossing our fingers!                                      

The Transfer

So yesterday was a big day. John and Jane drove in and we got to meet them for the first time and we hung out for about 2 hours before the transfer. They are exactly the way I imagined them and they were ever so nice. It was comforting to see that our kiddos will be in good hands. If I had only 1 complaint about them it is that they are too easy-going and not as type-A as I am. But that can also be a good thing I guess.
They invited us in to watch the transfer. First the doctor came in and informed us that 5 our our 8 embryos are good quality. So that is 2 to use and 3 to freeze for later. After Jane was prepped on the table, an embryologist came in with a thin plastic flexible tube and said "Nelson. 2 Embryos" and then the fertility doctor inserted them with the guidance of ultrasound. We watched the 2 little air-bubbles that the embryos were incased in appear on the ultrasound in her uterus. It took 2 minutes. Amazing.
So, now we wait. 9 more days until we will know for sure via 2 blood tests. I can't wait!!! Jane told me last go-around she took a pregnancy 5 days later and it was positive. So, maybe we'll know (or at least have a good guess) sooner than that. Crossing our fingers and saying our prayers!

An actual photo of 2 of our 5 embryos. Most people only get ultrasound images until they are born, but no-- we have actual photos : ) I think they look like S.

Jane wore her lucky socks and lucky shirt. She wore them to the transfer last time she was a surrogate and it worked... so let's hope.

Intended parents on right. Surrogate parents on left.

Jane Doe and myself in front of the clinc.

S took this picture of me as I was coming out of anesthesia after the egg retrival. Lovely I know.

Me at the clinic right before the egg retrival.

Embryos

We found out 2 days ago that we have 8 little Embryos being babysat for us in a lab.  Crazy.  I'm anxious about them and their well-being but there is obviously nothing I can do to change anything.  I've learned that chances of pregnancy actually have very little to do with the skill of the doctor and everything to do with the skills of the lab workers.  Embryos are sensitive to noise, light, contaminated air (coughing on an embryo could ruin chances for pregnancy).  All I can do is pray at this point.

It is 4:30 AM and I've been up since 2 anticipating todays events.  Transfer day.  I will meet Jane and John Doe for the first time today and an hour after that I'll have my baby transfered to Jane.  Crazy stuff.  

Positive pregnancy test

At this point in my medical treatment it is normal for a pregnancy test to come out positive.  This means that all of the hormones are working correctly and we are ready for launch.  So I took a pregancy test and it was positive.  So I took advantage of the situation and called S to tell him  "um,,,  I took a pregnancy test today....and it was positive".........."are you kidding?"  "no-- I'm serious.  It was postive".  After about 30 seconds of letting him flip out I let him know that I wasn't prego.  It was mean, but it was fun to watch his reaction. 
Tomorrow is the big day.  My eggs will leave me, connect with sperm and then the embryos will hang out in a lab for a few days.  (did you know that embryo's sleep?  I didn't know that until this week). 
Good luck to us!!!  Here we go!!

One dozen Eggs

I was so nervous to have my ultrasound today.  The doctor started the ultrasound and looked at my first ovary. "Uh-oh....there's nothing here.  2 tiny little eggs........."  My heart sank.  Not again!  This super-dose of medication was supposed to work!  "oh wait-- look at this ovary--  oh there's lots!"    So I have a total of 10 great eggs on the right side and 2 tiny ones on the left side.  The doctor informed me my left ovary is damaged and has poor circulation most likely from an infection earlier in life. 

So, most likely with 12 eggs only 8 will fertilize and only 4 will be good quality.  That is good enough!  YEAH!!!!!

ATTAIN

This past week S and I learned of a program called ATTAIN. It is basically an insurance program for people going through IVF (fertility treatment). Basically we pay they $18K and they pay for the price of IVF ($12K) up to 4 times until we get a baby. We found out about the program the day before our deadline to sign up. It was a tough decision, but we decided to go for it. Again, taking another financial leap of faith.

I start taking my 5 injections per day tomorrow. Here we go again....crossing my finger...and eyes...and toes....

Questioning

What the heck is wrong with my body? Why did I not respond to the IVF medications?
Why was my estrogen level so low? What is WRONG with me???!!!
Will it work next time with the new "super dose" of medication?
If not, and I still only produce 1 good egg should we attempt it anyway?
Should we have just gone through with it in Idaho while I was there and everything was set up and ready to go?

Oh, I learned 2 minutes ago via facebook that Jane does bartending on the side. Wow, that is great to know.

Abort mission

I just experienced one of the most frantic difficult decision-making hours of my life.
I had an ultrasound in utah this morning in which I found out that I have only 6 small to very small eggs. I went directly from this appointment to Boise as I needed to be there for appointments the following morning. JUST as I arrived in Boise my doctor (in Boise) called and said she recommended that we quit this cycle and try again. She said her best guess would be that we've have 1 possibly 2 embryos to transfer (60% pregnancy rate with each transfer) and we'd have none to freeze for back-up, miscarriages, or future children.
It was so tough to make the decision because I've already been through so much to get this far. I was there in boise, I'd already taken my kids to utah to be babysat, Steve had a plane ticket in and out of boise tomorrow, I had 4 nights of non-refundable hotel rooms.

Choice #1: Just go for it. Proceed as planned and possibly get 1-2 healthy babies. Risk having no healthy babies in which case we'd have to spend another $15K to try it again (which would mean we couldn't do it for a long time).

Choise #2: Go with dr's advice and try again later. Say goodbye to $6000 in medications, flights, hotels, ultrasound and lab fees. Risk having surrogate change her mind or not getting all of the pieces perfectly in place as they are now. Risk having the same exact problem with not having enough eggs next time.

TOUGH decision but I finally went with option #2 and I feel good about it.

I guess I'm some freak of nature that doesn't produce eggs in reponse to medications like I should. She told me my estrogen level was 34 when it should have been at least 4000. I wonder if that has any relation to my hyperemesis.... anyway, hopefully it will work next time.

New plan: Surrogate will come to Utah for the process and the whole thing will be done in utah in october.

Almost ruined chances

I had my baseline ultrasound a few days ago. They check things out before they start me on the "big-guns" meds. So as the NP was doing the ultrasound I decided to verify dosages with her just to be safe. Good thing I did too. As it turns out they had given me written instructions to take 7 amps of 2 different medications when it was only supposed to be 4 amps. The NP made some calls and verified that I couldn't possibly be taking that much and she was right. Typ-o. She said that a dose of 7 amps would have hyperstimulated me (and thus hospitalized me) fairly quickly. I'm so glad I verified the dose!

Side Effects

I don't want this posting to sound like a complaint, I just wanted to document some of the side effects of my meds. So, keeping in mind that all of these side effects are manageable, here they are:

Loestrin FE (birthcontrol): Moodiness (PMS-like), weight gain, ACNE, nausea unless I took them before bed with food, nausea if I ever was awake very long during the night.

Doxi..(antibiotic) a tiny bit of upset stomach

Lupron: Extreme grumpiness for the first 2 days which turned into severe grumpiness afterwards. Weight gain, bloated feeling, tender abdomen.

I take my last BCP tonight which I'm hoping will lift my mood a bit. My poor family is sick of me.

Sad Day

Today (August 5th) was the due date for my baby. I was forced to abort the baby back in January because of my health. Tonight I'm having a hard time with it (to be expected I guess). I keep questioning whether I could have somehow avoided aborting the baby. I go through it all in my head over and over. I was so sick/medicated it was just a huge terrible blur. I have nothing profound to blog about it-- I just wanted to tell the blogger void that I'm sad and I wish I would have had a baby today.

I am, however, grateful that this surrogacy is planned and happening soon. I know for sure I would feel 10X worse had that pregnancy been the last chance for having my own children.

Meds

Jane starts her meds today. I'm all anxious because she is currently on vacation. I hope she rememberd to take them with her. She is such a laid back person and I am so type-A personality I'm always worried about what she is doing.
All of my meds arrived today. I start next week.
I went to pick up my birth control pills (part of my med regimine) at my local pharmacy today). I had my 2 toddlers with me. I'm not sure if I imagined it or not, but the pharmacy chick looked at me with my 2 busy toddlers (unloading shelves) and though "yep, you need this birth control". I laughed inside. Little did she know...

ANXIETY: the contract

I FINALLY recieved the first draft of our contract last night. I paid the attorney to do the contract 2 months ago. My surrogate starts her medications is 2 days and the contract is only NOW being drafted?! I'm quite upset about it. I'm now $12,000 into the surrogacy process and so I've got a lot of $ invested into my surrogate (and she knows it) so I'm so scared that she knows she's got leverage and can change things around from our original agreement between us.
Originally we agreed on 20K for a single baby and 25K for twins with extra for bedrest or c-section and NO other extras. But in the rough draft of the contract my attorney sent to us yesterday there were about 8 things that she included in there that we had not agreed on: $500 for a miscarriage, $5,000 if she needs a hysterectomy. I'm so nervous that my surrogate is going to change her mind and decides she wants these extras! We can't afford them!!! But now she has tons of leverage due to a contract that was drafted way too late.

Also, something that really bothered me about our contract was that it said that the surrogate gets paid the full amount (20-25K) as long as she makes it to 34 weeks pregnancy regardless of the outcome for the baby. I think this is crazy! In that case, what is to stop her from purposely trying to induce labor once she reaches 34 weeks? Who wants 6 more weeks of pregnancy if you can get paid the same for not enduring the most miserable part? Also, if I truely am paying her for her discomfort and time being pregnant (and not paying her for the baby) then why would she get the full reimbursment if she isn't pregnant for the full amount of time? I'm arguing this with my attorney right now but I don't know what the outcome will be yet.

I'm going crazy waiting to find out what my attorney is going to say about some of this stuff. Here I sit pulling my hair out waiting for emails from her....

Theory: it is next to impossible to find a active LDS surrogate

On the intended-parent side of this surrogacy arrangement I feel confident in my decision about surrogacy. I know that S. and I are doing this for unselfish reasons and we are trying to follow the Lords plan of multiplying and replenishing the earth. I could go on and on justifying my stance but I won't. I KNOW that what I am doing is right and good and that should be enough for anyone else.

However, if I was to put myself in the shoes of a LDS potential surrogate I don't think that I could feel so confident. Knowing that the church discourages it would be big enough for me right there to not do it. How could I being strong in my faith go against advice of prophets? The only way I think I could justify doing it is if it was done completely out of charity (not getting paid to do it). My first potential surrogate apparently went through this same line of thought because she and her spouse decided that they would do it for free before they ended up backing out.

Surrogate potential #3 was the closest thing I had to an active/strong LDS surrogate. She had been a surrogate before she joined the church and had told me how amazing and life-changing it was to do that for another couple. She wanted to do it again for someone else. Too bad she ended up having a change in life plans when she got back together with an ex-fiance. Oh well.

In summary, if anyone LDS is out there looking for a strong LDS surrogate to volunteer to go against church suggestions (and get paid for it). Good luck with that. Not impossible, but very much next to impossible.

Meet my surrogate

Ok, I'm going to need a fake name for my surrogate. We'll call her Jane (and of course her husband John Doe). Jane gave me the ok to tell information about her as long as I didn't use any names or identifying information.

Jane is from a small town in Idaho, is 34 years old and is married to Joe for 6 years. They have 4 children (2 of which she gave birth to I believe). Jane and Joe have a family business that they do together and Jane works as a medical assistant for a family-practice doctor.

Jane is an experience gestational surrogate. She gave birth to twins in January 2010. She is currently inactive LDS which was what made us most reluctant to use her. Apparently, people in her small branch in Idaho were very judgemental of her last surrogacy and she has been inactive since.

Jane is very nice but she is very laid back about everything which is both good and bad. I can tell she is going to be very easy-going about money and exact dates, but I can also tell she is going to be easy-going about doing things that are very important to me (like returning phone calls and taking care of insurance issues).

Jane came with a lot of good recommendations from her previous intended parents, the attorney, the coordinators at the clinic, etc.. so I'm hoping and praying that she is as great as everyone says she is.

Because of the fact that she is from Idaho she is charging about $10K less than my other potential surrogates were. Cost of living differences I guess.

Info on insurance for surrogates

For anyone out there who doesn't know much about surrogacy and insurance:

You need to verify that your surrogate has maternity coverage and has no exclusions for surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction in thier policy. They way to do this is for them to request a copy of their policy (or handbook). You will be looking specifially at the maternity coverage and also at the "limitations and exlusions" sections for anything having to do with surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction. If you can't find anything at all about it that is great. It is covered. But look very carefully. Wording about it in the exclusions section can be very very tricky (I think they do it on purpose). Blue cross is surrogacy friendly, Kaiser is not.
Whatever you do, don't ask the people at the insurance company if it is covered. They will red flag the surrogate. It is much better if they don't know that the surrogate is doing a surrogacy.

My surrogate did not have access to a hard-copy of her policy. She only emailed me forwards that she recieved from her company that had the pieces of her policy. This made me very nervous because as far as I know she could have fabricated those forwards. So, to prove to me they were not fabricated my surrogate gave me access to her email account and so I could see the emails from her insurance company in her inbox which made me feel more secure about it all. But I still don't like the fact that the policy is in pieces. What if there is a critical piece missing? I need to protect myself legally.

The surrogacy plan of events

So this surrogacy transfer is scheduled to occur September 3rd in idaho. My surrogate is currently giving herself injections, and I'll be doing the same in just a few weeks. I'm ever-so excited and nervous about it. I've worked SOOOO very hard to arrange and finace all of this I'm just nervous that something is going to stop it from happening. The only thing that I can think of right now that would stop it would be the contract. My attorney is very very slow at composing our contract. She works at the medical clinic where it is going to be happening and she only does the contract just a few weeks before the transfer occurs. What if there is something in the contract that we and our surrogate can't agree on? I'm nervous.

Searching for a surrogate: advice

I can't tell you how many HUNDREDS of hours surrogate seeking. For anyone out there who is just starting the process I have this advice: First, start with friends and family. See if anyone is

1. Willing

2. Medically clear (had a least 1 uncomplicated pregnancy)

3. has medical insurance with no exceptions (see other blog post for details).

4. Has fees that you can afford.

When I was just starting the process I spent countless hours emailing people who were willing and medically clear. We'd discuss all sorts of things like labor and delivery, amount of communication during pregnancy, etc.. Then, weeks later I'd find out that they wanted $60K for the surrogacy, or that they did not have insurance coverage. So all of the lovely chat was wasted time. I finally learned.
Advice: Don't discuss anything at all until you have verified all 4 of the above requirements. Most people wouldn't offer to be a surrogate unless they had had previous uncomplicated pregnancies. So the first thing you want to ask them is their fees and if they have insurance coverage with no exclusions. Don't be tempted to discuss things with them until these are confirmed as ok.

Here is a brief history of my lined-up surrogates:
1. Friend of mine in my church congregation. Bailed when she found out the church's stance on surrogacy (understandable and ok with me). Lost about $4K
2. aquaintance of my sister in NM. Bailed when she found another couple who was willing to pay more.
3. Husband's cousin's wife. Found out that she didn't have insurance coverage
4. LDS person I found through the internet. Bailed because she got back together with an ex-fiance.
5. (same girl as #2) Increased her prices on me by $9K less than 12 hours after I sent her the confirmation of her and her husband's flights out for the first appointments. Said the changes were non-negotiable. I obviously couldn't trust her so I bailed and lost $800 on the plane tickets.
6. Current surrogate. Told me me had insurance back in march but did not give me any proof of it until June (already $4K in to the process) which made me extremely nervous but it turned out ok.

Why not adoption?

Once upon a time S. and I had a foster son. He was just 1 month younger that my oldest daughter (11 months). He had been through so much in his little life already and I tried my very best to love him and make things perfectly equal between him and my daughter. But the truth is that I loved my own daughter much more. I made things fair, but it wasn't truely fair because I couldn't help the fact that I loved my own flesh and blood more.

I'm absolutely sure that if I had never been able to have my own children that I would love an adopted child like my own. But I DO have my own children. I'd like to hope that I could love an adopted child as much as my own, but I have no guranteee of that. It would not be fair to a child to bring them into a family and not love them as much. And even if we did, they would always wonder if we did. This is why we have ruled out adoption.

Why we need a surrogate

Brief background on me: I am happily married to my husband (7 years) and we have 2 daughter who I gave birth to myself. Both of my pregnancies were ridiculously complicated with a very extreme case of hyperemesis graviderum. The first pregnancy was very dangerous and I was fed with an IV for much of it and I wanted to be dead for most of it due to my extreme suffering.
After my first pregnancy we planned a surrogacy. It fell through the same month we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant with #2. Pregnancy #2 was a bit better but still extremely complicated compared to anyone else. I was fed with a feeding tube directly into my intestines and had multiple long hospitalizations.
Having a large family is very important to my and S. so we decided to try pregnancy again. In January of 2010 we were forced to abort our 3rd child because the pregnancy was threatening my life. That was indescribably difficult for me. It was at this time that we decided to hire a surrogate to have our babies for us.

My moral views on surrogacy

I am the only LDS person I know who has ever hired a surrogate. When my husband S. and I decided that we wanted to hire a surrogate, I started searching the Internet for any LDS person who had been through this. There was nothing out there. That is part of the reason I'm creating this blog. Surrogacy in the LDS church is "strongly discouraged" and I must start this blog with saying that I agree with that stance. I believe that there is a reason that God gave the powers of pro-creation to men and women together. There are so many ways that surrogacy can be done wrong (and I realize many will have a difference of opinion). I stand firm in my convictions that the following ways of doing surrogacy are wrong:
1. Homosexual couple hires surrogate
2. single person hires a surrogate
3. unmarried couple hires a surrogate
4. people selling eggs or sperm
5. traditional surrogacy (which is a woman selling her own child).
6. There must be a good reason why the intended mother cannot carry her own child or fertility problems. It can't be just to avoid the inconvenience of pregnancy.
I believe that gestational surrogacy is the only moral way of doing surrogacy and the intended parents must be heterosexual and married with a strong relationship.