Emotional roller coaster of a day

This blog is mostly for myself, but in case someone benefits from it, read on if you wish.

After finding out our news this morning I felt like we are already mourning another loss.  Although there is still a chance we could get a healthy baby, I just realize that this is our last chance.  The previous 3 attempts have been major disappointments so I'm prepping myself for the worst.
I spent Easter Sunday at my in-law's ward.  Honestly I had a hard time focusing on anything that was said.  I was sulking in a way I guess.  And then, to make matters worse, in Relief Society a girl in the back row announced to everyone "Our surrogate is pregnant with twins! Due in July!"  My mother in law wanted me to pipe in and make a general announcement in Relief society that we had just transfered our embryo to our surrogate this morning.  I refused to do so for 2 reasons:
1.   Beings that the church discourages it, I don't think Relief Society meeting is the place to be making announcements about it.   It's like announcing your favorite coffee in RS meeting.
2.   My emotions on the subject are very raw at this point.  People are judgemental and don't understand.  Besides, it would be like announcing that you are pregnant with a baby that you know has a good chance of miscarrage.  Who wants to announce it when their is a good chance they will have to un-announce it if it miscarries?
I went up and talked to this LDS intended parent after RS.  This is her 5th and 6th children from surrogacy.  She did ovarian stimulation once 9 years ago and have been using the same batch of frozen eggs since.  Every attempt has been success and they lived happily ever after.  Boy I was really feeling sorry for myself after that.

But fear not readers-- my day ended on a more positive note than that.  I spent the evening talking to some friends of ours Sergio and Sarah who's 1 year old baby girls died unexpectedly just 2 weeks ago.  We discussed so many aspects of life/trials/perspective (way too many to blog).  By golly, when someone just lost a child 2 weeks ago they have some INSIGHTFUL things to say and those of us listening have open ears. Some of the things that I gained from my discussion with them tonight:
1.  Someone ALWAYS has it worse off than I do.
2.  I'm very lucky to have the 2 beautiful children that I have (especially considering the fact that my doctor said today that they are 2 miracles considering the quality of my embryos).
3.   The Lord has a plan for me and maybe this surrogacy is not it.  Or, maybe we just were due for a trial in life (I'd rather have my trial than hers!).
4.   When we start having negative woe-is-me type of thoughts, this is Satan trying to destroy us.  When tough circumstances come, it brings us to a fork in the road: Either closer to Christ or following Satan.  When negativity and doubt enters your mind the best thing to do is immediately label your thought as "from Satan"  and kick it out of your mind.  Don't give it a chance to grow.  Focus on the positive, moving forward, and helping others grow from the experience.
5.  Utilizing the atonement is essential during difficult times.  Sarah commented that she realized until now she didn't know how to use  the Atonement.  All we have to do is ask the Lord in prayer:  "Please taken my pain from me.  Please ease my burden, help me understand..."
6.  Sarah and I discussed the best and worst ways to help someone who is going through a terrible trial.  Conclusions:  don't ask them "how are you doing?"  Either they must lie or they must say "terrible" which makes them feel obligated to explain (which they may not want to do).  Instead say "I"m thinking about you.  I'm praying for you"  which isn't ignoring the subject, but it isn't forcing them to talk about it either.
Next, unless you are CLOSE with that person already, don't visit.  Don't even call except for just to say you care and offer services.   Sarah expressed the fact that she felt like she told her story 20 times per day to so many different people and she felt like she was just coughing up the story on demand trying to make others feel better when she really didn't want to.    Next, don't say "let me know if you need anything".   Instead, find a way to help and show love.  Examples she gave:  Someone dropped of paper goods on their porch, someone took suits to be cleaned/pressed prior to the funeral, etc..

I'm so glad I got to talk to Sergio and Sarah tonight.  I sure hope that in 10 days we find out we are expecting , but if we don't I know I'll be ok despite the dashed dreams.  Perspective.

My 2 sweet little blessings.  Miracles according to the doctor.

Bad news about embryos

15 minutes before the scheduled transfer my doctor called us to give us the report on the embryos' genetics.  Not good.  Of the 9 biopsied, only 1 was normal.  The rest had severe chromosomal abnormalities on multiple chromosomes (52 chromosomes, 28 chromosomes, etc..)  The only good one happens to be a girl.  She will be transfered to Jane this morning and we'll find out in 10 days if she is pregnant.
1 out of 21 eggs.  The doctor said I could expect the same results if I was to do it again.  He said he is also giving me a 50% chance of miscarriage for any pregnancy I would have myself.    My slow-to-stimulate self is related to having poor quality eggs.
Since we have no eggs to freeze we won't be able to do our last paid for frozen transfer if this doesn't work.  In fact, we won't be able to afford to do this again for at least a few years...IF we decided to do it again.
We are fervently praying this morning for success.  Clinging to our last hope.

Injections/bloatedness/and hyperstimulation syndrome

This is my trigger-day swollen belly. When you have 21 2-inch follicles inside of huge ovaries it makes you poof out a bit. It was quite uncomfortable actually.

This is my beautifully scarred abdomen that shows all sorts of signs of my attempts at reproduction. We have lots of bruises and marks from my 4-6 injections per day, we have my lovely stretch marks (1 per pregnancy), and we have my 2nd belly button which is where I had my feeding tube for my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. No exactly bikini ready am I?
Oh, and I'm holding my syringes. I'd like to point out that the needle on my syringe is too big and I would have switched it to a smaller one for my subcutaneous injection in my tummy. But my poor surrogate gets those big of needles every day (intramuscular in her booty). No fun for her-- she's been doing it for MONTHS.

After the transfer I started having symptoms of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Swollen painful abdomen, nausea, shortness of breath, etc.. This would be a concern if I was going to be the one getting pregnant this week, but since I'm not it is something is bothersome and will go away in time. My poor sister in law spent more than a week in the hospital with it with her IVF pregnancy. Just another reason to be glad I'm doing a surrogacy!!!
Lastly our 7 remaining embryos that were good quality were biopsied and are in the process of being tested.  Anxiously awaiting results!

Attempt # 4 here we go

Tomorrow will be my egg harvesting.  Last they told me I have 18 follicles this time.  yeah!!!  I personally think it was the IUD removal that made the difference.  I'm going to be glad to get this done tomorrow because those 18 little follicles (2cm each on average) feel like 2 fists in my sides.  It is very uncomfortable especially when sitting.  My ovaries must be huge and they are quite sore. I've also been really exhausted and sleepy.  But I'm glad-- this is what we wanted. 
So, ironically:  after my clinic paid for S Utah from California for more sperm and blood(since they discarded the frozen stuff on accident) they almost had to pay for another plane ticket.   They called S just as he was boarding his plane and said "we need you to come back to the clinic-- we need another vile of blood".  He asked them if they wanted to pay for a different plane ticket and they decided they didn't need the blood so badly after all.
I hope that it works this time because we can't afford to try again anytime soon.  This process is crazy expensive.  74% chance this time.  Transfer date Easter Sunday and we'll find out 10 days later if it worked.

Lab oops

Today my nurse practitioner (who does all of my management) informed me that she had bad news.  "I feel absolutely sick having to tell you this.  I just can't believe it......"   Meanwhile I'm bracing myself for the worst.  The NP informed me that someone in the lab threw away S's frozen sperm (frozen about 6 months ago from attempt 2). 

When she told me this there was a huge sigh of relief on my part.  That is a fixable problem! ....although not cheap/easy to fix.    She told me this just 2 hours after I had taken S to the airport to fly home from Utah.  So, we immediately bought tickets to fly him back.  It also means $1200 in FDA testing again (government mandated testing to make sure he hasn't picked up any new STD's since the last time he was tested).    Thankfully, the clinic is picking up the tab on all of it.  I'm just glad that this is a fixable problem!
I find out how my little eggs are doing tomorrow!!!

Attempt # 4

I almost hesitate to blog just because my postings seem to be getting a bit repetitive.  But, here we go again.
So this time around we've taken a few extra steps increase our chances of this working.  First of all, I had my IUD removed.  It is likely (but not for sure) that it is the reason that I don't produce many eggs.  Maybe we'll get a few more this time.   I have maxed out on the fertility medication dosage-- they can't give me anything stronger so hopefully the IUD removal will help.
Secondly, we are going to be doing genetic testing our embryos.  There are all different sorts of genetic testing, but we are testing all 24 chromosomes.  We will then be given a big report of and embryo's genetic abnormalities and % chance of each one having different problems (like late-life brain cancer, Downs syndrome, etc).  The reason for this is that if we pick the most genetically healthy embryos our chances of pregnancy are greatly increased (from about 45% chance to 75 % chance) and chances of miscarriage are decreased.  They say that this is because a body's natural tendency is to reject pregnancies with genetic defects.  The extra cost $3700. Ouch-- but worth it if it gets us a healthy baby or 2 here.
According to the genetic counselor person I spoke with, at least 55% of our embryos will have significant genetic abnormalities when doing IVF (but not normally).  I can understand this since so many of them are yanked from me before they are done cooking and also some that are way over-done.
So when our embryos are about 6 cells big they will biopsy 1 cell off of each (hoping its not a limb!), mail to to California for testing, then they will send the report for us to review with our doctor and make our choice on embryos. 
Also included on the genetic report is the gender of each kiddo.  We will definitely be leaning towards boys, but if the girls all look healthier, we'll choose them instead.  Successful pregnancy is more important than gender.  But if they are all the same, it will be nice to balance out our family  : )
So I'm feeling cautiously optimistic this time around.  Excited and nervous (thus the 3am blog).