The ugly truth of it

So the Doctor just called me to tell me how Jane's ultrasound went.  She said that they can see a sac there, but that there is bleeding around it.  She also said that the HCG levels only went up from 212 to 236.  She gives this pregnancy an 85% chance of miscarriage.  Impending doom. 

I'm hesitant to write this in a blog for fear of judgement, but I'm going to write it nevertheless because I want to be honest about this strange surrogacy experience I'm going through (for the benifit of others considering doing it in the future).  When I got the previous bad-news phone call last week my first reaction was "oh no!!!  My babies are going to be even further appart now.  Ok, we'll just have to try again."   I was at work at the time doing absolutely nothing so I got to thinking a bit deeper about it all.  I had just been told I would likely loose my child.  I thought about my previous loss last January (medically necessary abortion) and how it broke me to pieces.  HELLO!!!  I'm loosing my child again!! 
I find it very interesting that when I told S the bad news he had the same exact reaction as me.  "Oh no!  That is terrible-- Well we'll just have to try again."  Neither of us initially thought about the fact that we had an actual baby that we were loosing.  It felt more like the pregnancy had never worked in the first place.  I think that it is crazy how easy it is to distance yourself from it when it is not in your own womb.  We are not cold un-feeling people.  We want a baby with all of our hearts, it is just strange/terrible how easy it is to distance yourself from your own child when someone else is carrying it for you.