Post-birth life

Many aspects of post-birth life to write about here.  Here are my topics, so pick your own adventure:
1. Life in the hospital
2. Legal Issues
3. Relationship with Vanessa
4. Digging for the negative
5. My relationship with Spencer


1.  Life in the hospital

After little Spencer was born, S and I got to go to the newborn nursery while they gave him his bath and shots and stuff.  I asked the nurse how many of the moms cry while watching their babies being persecuted so.  She said "none- we never have mom's back here.  Only dads".  Duh!  Cool that I get to go where no mom has gone before...
  So the way it works in a hospital after a surrogate baby is born is that they give the surrogate mom her own room and then they give baby his own room and parents can "room in" with him.  So I slept in a hospital bed for 2 nights at Spencer's side.  The room was next to Vanessa's room which was fun so we were back and forth while they were still at the hospital.  I wore a name band that matched Spencer's.  We both had "Vanessa Amundson" on our name band which was a little weird, but oh well.  Vanessa was allowed to pick 1 other person besides herself that had access to the baby.  I got the golden ticket so S didn't have any access to him without Vanessa or I present.  If I wanted to eat, I had to go to the cafeteria or something and I had to drop baby back off in the nursery (can't leave him with S in our room).  One time I did just that and dropped of Spencer at the nursery.  Then, after lunch I went to go pick him up again and a new nurse I had not seen before answered the nursery door.  I stood there in my street-clothes and said "I'm just here to get my baby".  She had that look on her face like "I know you are here to kidnap a baby and you are not going to get away with it".  Even while comparing our name bands she seemed dubious.  I'm sure the other nurses filled her in real quick after I left.
  I also found it entertaining as housekeepers and other such people came in that they would look at me and it was obvious they had no clue how I could be so thin sitting there cross legged on my hospital bed in hospital clothes.
  I'm going to be honest here and say that I felt some guilt as I watched swollen-bellied edematous women hobbling down the hallway after just giving birth.  I felt very out of place for sure.  I felt guilty for being able to enjoy my newborn so fully.  With my own 2 children that I gave birth to I wasn't able to fully enjoy my babies nearly as much because half of your attention is your own pain, exhaustion, and breastfeeding.  But this time my newborn had my undivided attention.  My worst complaint was an uncomfortable hospital bed.  Yep, I felt some guilt.
Oh, one thing S and I thought was funny was on the way home from the hospital when the hospital financial lady called me.  She said "Vanessa says you will be paying the bill for her......(reluctantly)...is that right?"  I told her yes and so she told me I'd have both hers and our hospital bill.  I know she was trying to prep us for some astronomical number she was going to tell us we owed.  "Ok, so if you can't pay it all now, that is ok.   The total is $635"   I almost laughed at her.  Is that it?????!!!  After this entire surrogacy experience we are used to some HUGE expenses.  Just steve's flight out here cost more than that.  I almost told the lady that just the medications alone to conceive little Spencer cost $10,000 and that was only the 5th attempt. It was like someone apologizing as they tell you that your dream house cost $20.  Anyway, I thought it was funny but it probably isn't that funny to everyone else.

2.  Legal issues
The particular details of my legal issues this surrogacy I will save for another blog post another day.  I'll summarize and say that my attorney was supposed to get us what is called a Pre-Birth Order.  Some states use them and some do not.  A pre-birth order is a legal document signed by a judge that you are supposed to have on hand at the delivery that declares that the intended parents will be on the birth certificate and not the surrogate mother.  We were supposed to have it 2 months ago.  But, since we didn't have it in place Vanessa is on the birth certificate and she declares who the father is (of course S is the father).  Then her husband has to sign something verifying that the baby is not his.  So Vanessa and S are on the the birth certificate and I am not.  Now it will be figured out in the courts in the next few weeks and then the "original" birth certificate will be "sealed" and S and I will be on the birth certificate.    Vanessa and I both predicted about 6 months ago that this would happen and I had decided that it wouldn't be that big of a deal since I knew Vanessa would still give me my baby and all.  But I didn't anticipate some of the complicating factors it would cause. First of all, I couldn't make any decisions for Spencer in the hospital.  I couldn't approve blood tests and I couldn't sign the consent for the circumcision. The doctor came in to the room ready to have me sign the paperwork for the circumcision and I opened my big fat mouth and told him I wasn't legally the mom.  Vanessa had already gone home and S was not at the hospital at the moment.  Thus, the doctor wouldn't do it and we had to wait a week to do it at the pediatricians office.   So later, at the pediatricians office 2 days after birth we told the doctor and staff there that I was not the legal mother (yet) and that S would not be in the state still on the scheduled day of the procedure.  We asked if he could sign the paperwork ahead of time.  They said yes and he signed all of the paperwork.  Then, after S left the state, they called me and said they had changed their minds and they wanted a legal guardian present at the procedure.   So, thankfully I have a great relationship with Vanessa and she was able to pop in the morning of the circumcision and sign paperwork for it.  The ridiculous thing about that entire situation is that there was absolutely no solid evidence at all that Vanessa was the legal mother.  We had not birth certificate or paperwork from the hospital.  I could have pulled any Jane Doe off of the street and declared her to be the legal guardian.  
Jordan Valley hospital had only dealt with 2 surrogacies in the past.  Both of those situations there had been pre-birth orders in place.  They have a "Birth Certificate Specialist' at the hospital.  We made her job really hard the day we were there.  She was on the phone with people from the State trying to figure out what to do with us because she had no idea.  My attorney had given me a run down of what would have to be done with the birth certificiate and paperwork, and I showed the hospital lady the email from my attorney, but she didn't believe any of it and had to go find it out herself the hard way.  All of this slowed our progress in getting out to of the hospital.
At this point if Spencer has to get blood drawn again or something there is no way I'm going to mention the fact that I'm not the legal mother.  It is a huge pain and I will be by the end of the month anyway and I'll be made the mom retroactively from the moment of birth.  No sense in complicating things anymore.  Lesson learned.

3.  My relationship with Vanessa.
This entire surrogacy experience has been so fairy-tale like.  It was the ideal surrogacy experience.  I would never do without a legal contract (even with family) but there wasn't once where we had to use it or argue anything.
We agree at this point that we will have an open relationship.  Considering we don't live in the same State, we probably won't see each other much-- but we have  special friendship.  I've loved the few times she has visited since we had Spencer.  It is fun to watch her hold him and I know we both feel a sense of pride for his cuteness.  I added the most important ingredients and she added the others and did all of the cooking : )
I agree with Vanessa that I think she should have a life-time "auntie Vanessa" sort of relationship.  It is great that we both feel the same about this.  I guess in the end, it is the intended parents who make the final call.  Just glad we agree! Vanessa will always be special to us and she'll get school picture every year and we'll keep in touch.

4.  Digging for the Negative

Overall, my experience with surrogacy experience with Vanessa was so so very wonderful.  I'm going to point out that I truly am digging here for negativity.  The only reason again for you people out there who potentially might do this yourself.  Just things to think about to prevent possibly problems.
There are 2 things that I thought of that bothered me in our entire year long experience.
#1-  The fact that we almost delivered our baby at a hospital where we where she was not insured.  It didn't end up being a problem in the end since Vanessa figured it out a few weeks ago and she was very great to work with and easy going about switching.  Being an intended parent, I have to pay for all of the medical bills and pay for part of insurance, but I have no access to any information about what coverage my surrogate has or where.  I had no way of knowing which hospitals where in network versus out of network.  Vanessa told me originally that that our original hospital choice was in-network and I had no reason not to believe her.  She just assumed that since the doctor she was using (and who was in-network) worked at that particualar hospital, that the hospital was covered too.  It was an innocent mistake by someone who hasn't dealt that much with insurance.  Good thing she figured it out month 8 because it could have majorly cost us and we had absolutely no way of finding out for ourselves.    Anyway-- happy it ended up not being a problem.
#2-  The fact that Vanessa and her husband chose to try to get the baby to come without consulting with S or I first.   I am in no way angry with her for this.  In fact, at this point I'm really glad that they decided to get things moving when they did because the timing really was perfect.  I'm glad it didn't happen after S left to go back to Illinois.  That day at lunch we had joked about having her go run a marathon to get things moving.  But it was very much a joke.  S and I had discussed it with just the 2 of us as a possibility.  But we had come to the conclusion that even if he missed the birth, or we had to buy another $700 flight, we wanted to let baby come when he was ready to give him the best chance of good health.    So, I was a bit hurt to find out Vanessa and Clark and made the decision for us-- jumping jacks, jumping on the bed and stripping her membranes.  Anyway-  it is history now, and I'm absolutely glad at this point that she did it.  Things worked about beautifully.
I might be more sensitive about this topic because in my first contract with my first surrogate.  Our attorney gave us what was "standard" for a contract and then we were to adjust it to meet our needs.  The only thing that I was absolutely against was the fact that according to the contract, the surrogate was to be paid in full if she gave birth any time after 32 weeks as long as the baby eventually made it either home or to a well-baby unit in the hospital.  I've been pregnant before and I know that the last month is miserable so I know it is a temptation for all to try to end it early.  What keeps mom's from doing it is their desire to give their child the best chance at health.  But if this was a surrogate mom like my first surrogate (whom it did not have any sort of relationship with) what is to stop her from doing jumping jacks and castor oil at 32 weeks?  Even if the baby has permanent birth defects and problems for life, she still gets paid in full.  I would have preferred that the payments be pro-rated and surrogate be paid for the number of weeks that they were actually pregnant, but my attorney insisted that that was asking too much.  So with both of my surrogates the contract said they are paid in full if they deliver after 36 weeks.... and I didn't like it.  I just didn't like the idea of them not having financial motivation to keep the pregnancy going for as long as possible.  Now I know that Vanessa truly cared about me and my child and wasn't trying to end the pregnancy early just to end her own symptoms.  She just figured with S leaving in 3 days she didn't want to make his trip a waste of time/$.  Also, her husband was starting a new job in 2 days and she was moving in 7 days.  Lots going on. I see her perspective.
Anyway-  obviously both of these "negative" things I brought up didn't actually end up being negative.  Everything was peachy perfect.  But they had the potential of being negative.

5.  Relationship with Spencer

I absolutely adore that tiny guy.  I sometimes feel like I need to pinch myself when I realize that my dream of so many years has come true!   Sometimes when he's been sleeping for a while and I go to "check and make sure he is still cute" I see how sweet he is and I have to do a double-take and remind myself that he is mine.
His poor sweet little head and face has been smothered with kisses from his adoring mom, grandma, and 2 sisters who can't get enough of him.
Some family members this week asked me about my relationship with Spencer as a newborn compared to my other children whose pregnancies I bore myself. I'm going to be honest with the world and my blog and say that the relationship is not the same.  But I definitely feel like breastfeeding might be a big part of that.  When you breast feed, there is a hormonal attachment going on.  If you are away from baby for too long and you start to become engorged, your body sends signals to your brain and you miss your baby.  When mothers try to wheen from breastfeeding they often experience a depression.  I have none of this.  I know that I could have taken the medications to try to start lactation.  But for some reason, it just didn't seem important (and it still doesn't).  All that is important is getting a healthy baby.  the rest of fluff and not worth stressing over.
All moms of multiple children know that when you have another baby sometimes you can forget that you have a newborn when you get busy in your old routine with the other children.  I remember the first time Lydia was old enough to go and play instead of being in my arms at a park.  I found myself keeping an eye on Kiera because I was used to it and I had to keep reminding myself "oh- I have two to watch now!"   Well, I find I'm more likely to forget Spencer than with my others probably because I'm not recovering from childbirth and I'm not lactating.
Lets talk about love at first sight.  Again, I'm being perfectly honest here.  When baby #1 (Kiera) was born.  I think I had some initial negative feelings mixed in with love for a little stranger.  That she had put me through  hell.  I very quickly forgave her and learned to love her over the next few days.   Baby #2--  pregnancy had not been quite as bad (still terrible compared to everyone else).  Last 3 months had been pretty darn good.  When Lydia was born it was love at first sight.  I felt like I knew her and the love just expanded from there.
When Spencer was born he felt like a stranger to me but nevertheless it was love before first sight.  I broke down in tears in the delivery room at the sight of the nurse preparing the warming-bed for him just knowing that in a few moments my tiny son would be laying there.  The birth was so much more of an emotional experience.  It had been so highly anticipated.  During the pregnancy the time that I had the most uninterrupted time to think was when I was running on my treadmill.  I'd start imagining the delivery and meeting my tiny son and I'd break down bawling.  (running and bawling are difficult to do at the same time).   So in summary, I adore Spencer.  I loved him at first sight equal to my 2nd daughter and even more son than my first.  But I do find that I'm more likely to forget that I have him when I get busy with something.  And I feel the hormonal attachment is not the same as when nursing.