Tied up

This is a little personal, but I guess this entire blog is, so what the heck...
Today I went and got my tubes tied (permanent birth control)  I had to be there at 6am and the hospital is nearly 2 hours away so my entire family woke up at 4am and drove through the cold darkness to get there.    We could have got a hotel room or a babysitter to make it easier, but we are on a tight budget.
I had a lot of time to think on the way there.  Lots of memories came back to me of when I had the abortion.  Ironically, Vanessa is 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow which is exactly where I was in my pregnancy when I was forced to abort.   I've waiting a long time to get this done and even this morning I was hesitating.  When you get something like this done the doctor asks "now are you 100% sure you don't ever want more children?"  No!  absolutely no.  I definitely do want children.   It is such a hard thing for me because I want to have more children more than anything else right now....     but pregnancy is just too difficult and dangerous.  Throughout this entire process over the past 2 years I've kept going back to the idea of pregnancy for me again.  But I don't have to think about it very long before I remember why I can NEVER do it again.   Even still, I was quite emotional as I drove to the hospital and I looked at my beautiful sleeping girls in the back seat and in a way I felt like I was rejecting them by getting my tubes tied.
Once at the hospital, my little family came in to see me to my room.  All of the medical personnel commented on my darling girls.  I felt a great need to let them know that I wasn't getting my tubal ligation because I didn't want more children.  I just needed them to understand for some reason.  So I told them about our surrogate and baby.  Everyone's first question was "where did you find your surrogate?"  I told them "Craigslist" and braced myself for that all-knowing oh-dear-I-hope-she-doesn't-scam-you look on their face that they tried to mask with a fakely enthusiastic "great!"  I tried to tell them how wonderful she is in 2 sentences,  But of course that cannot be done. I even got choked up as I told one of the nurses about my angel surrogate Vanessa.    Anyone who has read her blog can agree with me, but even then you don't quite understand how wonderful she is.  I love that girl.
This afternoon I was in my bed very sore, with a raspy voice trying to wake up from anesthesia.  My phone which was on the bed with me rang.  I thought to myself "I'm only going to answer it if it is Vanessa"  It was.  She is my new favorite person for sure.  
Today was an emotional day for me, but knowing I'll be getting 1 more in just 218 days made it much easier.  Otherwise, I don't think I could have done it.