What to say to someone who has experienced a loss 101

I think I'm handling this loss a bit better than Vanessa at this point.  S and I have always been a bit cautious about getting our hopes up too high because of our many disappointments in the past.  As I said in a blog before, when they first told me we had triplets my first thoughts were that I was likely to loose some if not all. So I don't think it came as quite of a shock to me as it did to Vanessa.

I write this more for Vanessa's benefit than for my own.   I have experienced quite a bit of loss.  Every time I do I get all sorts of reactions and things said by people that are both good and bad.  Those who say/do the right things can help.  Those who say/do the wrong things can add salt to fresh wounds.  Vanessa is having a hard time with this loss and people already are not making it easier.  So, please take a moment to read and learn about how to be helpful/supportive with anyone who has experienced a loss.

1.  Acknowledge their loss.  If you hear about it from another source (friend, internet) don't just ignore the subject.  It might make them seem like you don't care.  

2.  Acknowledge their loss and nothing more.  Do not ask "how are you doing?" Do not say "maybe it's for the better.."  do not say "he is in a better place now".  Do not try to make them feel better because it won't work and many times it make them feel worse.  And please don't add your opinion and words of wisdom.

Good ways to react:  if you hear about it directly from the person just say "I'm so sorry, I'll be praying for you" (no opinions or trying to make it better).  

If you hear about it from another source you can send a card/flowers or tell them in person "I heard about your loss.  Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and I care"  The key to this is making sure that your statement is not open ended with a question or anything. Then can just say "thanks" The person experiencing loss does not feel obligated to discuss it (but they can if they want in which case your job is to be a listener).

Personally, I think a phone call or showing up on someone's doorstep to discuss is not the best way to handle  it.  Either would make the person feel obligated to discuss it with you.  

So in summary:  acknowledge their loss without offering any opinions or asking them any questions.  Just let them know you care...period.