nothing momentous....

I guess this is the part where my blog gets boring for the next 6 months or so.  All of the exciting major events happen at the beginning and the end.  Now we just hurry up at wait (at least I do-- Vanessa is a bit more involved).    So I guess I'll be digging for things to write about.
At this point I still have not told my 2 daughters.  I'm already glad that I didn't tell them we were having triplets.  I think I'll wait  a few more months to tell them just because July is forever away to a 3 and 5 year old.  But they pray every single day "and please help us to get a new baby in our family".
Thus far, my ward here has been very positive about the idea of surrogacy.  But I've only really announced it to my friends (the young crowd) and I told my bishop in a temple-recommend interview.    I'm waiting for the news to spread itself and I'm 100% prepared for any negative reactions.  At this point, after all we've been through I don't think a hundred negative reactions would change anything about how I feel about it.  I know that S. and I chose to do the right thing for our family and that we got our own spiritual confirmation.  The Lord knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows we are trying to perpetuate our family to follow his plan.  I don't feel like we are doing this for selfish reasons.  I feel like we are not messing with the boundries of families because the baby is 100% ours.
On a side note, I can't remember if I've ever blogged this fact or not, so I might as well say it now.  Once upon a time we asked our bishop if a surrogate baby would be born under the covenant.  He didn't know so he took it to the Stake President...who took it to the temple president...who took it to some member of the 1st presidency....    The answer that we got back from the bishop via the first presidency was that the baby would be born under the covenant and would not need to be sealed to us.  It makes me wonder what they would say about a traditional surrogate baby.  (I'll never know and that's ok I guess).  The fact that our baby is going to be sealed to us from the moment of birth just confirms to me once again that what we are doing is not wrong.  We are doing surrogacy the one and only right way.
I think about Vanessa and baby constantly and pray for them just as much.....and check her blog almost as much : )

Tied up

This is a little personal, but I guess this entire blog is, so what the heck...
Today I went and got my tubes tied (permanent birth control)  I had to be there at 6am and the hospital is nearly 2 hours away so my entire family woke up at 4am and drove through the cold darkness to get there.    We could have got a hotel room or a babysitter to make it easier, but we are on a tight budget.
I had a lot of time to think on the way there.  Lots of memories came back to me of when I had the abortion.  Ironically, Vanessa is 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow which is exactly where I was in my pregnancy when I was forced to abort.   I've waiting a long time to get this done and even this morning I was hesitating.  When you get something like this done the doctor asks "now are you 100% sure you don't ever want more children?"  No!  absolutely no.  I definitely do want children.   It is such a hard thing for me because I want to have more children more than anything else right now....     but pregnancy is just too difficult and dangerous.  Throughout this entire process over the past 2 years I've kept going back to the idea of pregnancy for me again.  But I don't have to think about it very long before I remember why I can NEVER do it again.   Even still, I was quite emotional as I drove to the hospital and I looked at my beautiful sleeping girls in the back seat and in a way I felt like I was rejecting them by getting my tubes tied.
Once at the hospital, my little family came in to see me to my room.  All of the medical personnel commented on my darling girls.  I felt a great need to let them know that I wasn't getting my tubal ligation because I didn't want more children.  I just needed them to understand for some reason.  So I told them about our surrogate and baby.  Everyone's first question was "where did you find your surrogate?"  I told them "Craigslist" and braced myself for that all-knowing oh-dear-I-hope-she-doesn't-scam-you look on their face that they tried to mask with a fakely enthusiastic "great!"  I tried to tell them how wonderful she is in 2 sentences,  But of course that cannot be done. I even got choked up as I told one of the nurses about my angel surrogate Vanessa.    Anyone who has read her blog can agree with me, but even then you don't quite understand how wonderful she is.  I love that girl.
This afternoon I was in my bed very sore, with a raspy voice trying to wake up from anesthesia.  My phone which was on the bed with me rang.  I thought to myself "I'm only going to answer it if it is Vanessa"  It was.  She is my new favorite person for sure.  
Today was an emotional day for me, but knowing I'll be getting 1 more in just 218 days made it much easier.  Otherwise, I don't think I could have done it.

What to say to someone who has experienced a loss 101

I think I'm handling this loss a bit better than Vanessa at this point.  S and I have always been a bit cautious about getting our hopes up too high because of our many disappointments in the past.  As I said in a blog before, when they first told me we had triplets my first thoughts were that I was likely to loose some if not all. So I don't think it came as quite of a shock to me as it did to Vanessa.

I write this more for Vanessa's benefit than for my own.   I have experienced quite a bit of loss.  Every time I do I get all sorts of reactions and things said by people that are both good and bad.  Those who say/do the right things can help.  Those who say/do the wrong things can add salt to fresh wounds.  Vanessa is having a hard time with this loss and people already are not making it easier.  So, please take a moment to read and learn about how to be helpful/supportive with anyone who has experienced a loss.

1.  Acknowledge their loss.  If you hear about it from another source (friend, internet) don't just ignore the subject.  It might make them seem like you don't care.  

2.  Acknowledge their loss and nothing more.  Do not ask "how are you doing?" Do not say "maybe it's for the better.."  do not say "he is in a better place now".  Do not try to make them feel better because it won't work and many times it make them feel worse.  And please don't add your opinion and words of wisdom.

Good ways to react:  if you hear about it directly from the person just say "I'm so sorry, I'll be praying for you" (no opinions or trying to make it better).  

If you hear about it from another source you can send a card/flowers or tell them in person "I heard about your loss.  Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and I care"  The key to this is making sure that your statement is not open ended with a question or anything. Then can just say "thanks" The person experiencing loss does not feel obligated to discuss it (but they can if they want in which case your job is to be a listener).

Personally, I think a phone call or showing up on someone's doorstep to discuss is not the best way to handle  it.  Either would make the person feel obligated to discuss it with you.  

So in summary:  acknowledge their loss without offering any opinions or asking them any questions.  Just let them know you care...period.  

wow..........wow.

This is a hard blog to write.  I've been thinking about it for a while but I guess there is nothing to do but start typing...
Today is week 8. Vanessa had an ultrasound today.  My Dr called me to tell me the result.   He told me right off of the bat that the results were "very abnormal" and "both good and bad".    First of all, one of our triplets split.   Identical twins.....yes that makes 4 total babies.  But the identical twins had no heartbeat and neither did 1 of the others.  So we are down to 1.  So we found out that we lost 3 today.
It is hard to know how to express my feelings at this point.  I morn the losses of those babies.  S and I had definitely got used to the idea of triplets in this past week and we've been talking about it non-stop.  We were mentally prepared for 3 additions to the family and we've had tons of fun announcing it to everyone.
Our doctor pointed out the fact that pregnancies with identical twins are very dangerous and that it is likely that the entire pregnancy would have been a failure if the identicals would have lasted a while longer.  So in a way it was a blessing that they miscarried really early.   He also pointed out that now we have 1 healthy baby and a low-risk pregnancy.  This is the silver lining to this very black cloud.  At this point, this pregnancy is safe.  Very good chances we'll have a perfectly healthy baby come July.
This of course means that all of those anticipated trials (bed rest, NICU, financial bondage, etc) are gone.  But that of course doesn't matter at this point. The loss is huge.  This is the 3rd time we've had  a loss of unborn children.  Total of 4 babies.  This definitely hurts..........but we will move on and rejoice in our baby nestled safely within Vanessa.
Now we get to un-announce our triplets.  I don't like this part at all.  Telling people about such a personal loss is never easy.

Perspective

Life has been different ever since 2 days ago.  

S and I were on the phone with the medical assistant at the clinic as the ultrasound was being performed.  We were visiting family at the time and we were in our room with the door locked (so the kids wouldn't come in).  Within 10 seconds they told us that there were 3 sacs.  Honestly I felt like they just told me that there was a 50% chance that the entire pregnancy would be lost.  I know about triplets and the high risks and considering how small Vanessa is it just seemed like it was doomed to failure.  Honestly there wasn't a drop of happiness in the news.  

Here are some of the gloomy statistics on the subject:  

1.      90% of triplets ended up having an extended stay in NICU

2.      We will be 60 X more likely to have one of our babies die in the 1st month of life than a singleton.  

3.      Pretty much 100% chance of c-section

4.      likely to have extended bed rest and hospitalizations for Vanessa

There are TONS of reasons to worry as there are so many things that can go wrong at this point.  S and I stayed in that locked room for a good 40 minutes getting used to the idea.

As anyone who has read Vanessa's blog post can tell, she was not focused on this at all.  She is quite happy and feels at peace with it all.  All of my concerns are valid.  But as Vanessa talked to me a few minutes after the ultrasound she said something that changed my attitude towards it all.  I realize now that what is done is done.  She is pregnant with triplets.  The risks are going to be there whether we worry ourselves grey or not so we might as well celebrate and enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible.  

So as of now I am genuinely excited about this pregnancy.  In fact, I just can’t stop thinking about it.  I’ve barely been able to sleep for the past 2 nights.  Our little lives have just changed forever with this new knowledge.  Honestly, I would LOVE to have 3 healthy babies.  Yes, it will be absolutely crazy  busy but how lucky would that be to complete my family in one shot?    I have lots of family and friends who have already spoken up as being willing to help. And, eventually when this is all said and done we theoretically have $ again and will be able to pay for a mother-helper to help out.  It seem like a much better use of $ than living in a fancy house or having my hair cut and colored every six weeks. We will be fine as long as we have an extra set of adult hands helping out.    And how much fun it will be when they get a little older!   Triplets!   2 cute boys to be little buddies and watch football with daddy; and a girl to tag along with 2 bigger adoring sisters. 

As anyone who reads Vanessa’s blog can tell, she is a intended parent’s dream-come-true.  Today in Relief Society in the ward I was visiting we talked about Angels and how we as RS sisters can be angels.  All I could think about was Vanessa and how much of an angel she is.  And I’ll put a little plug in for Clark too for being so supportive (let’s face it, he is going to be the single parent for a while)  absolutely amazing.  How on earth do you thank someone for for something like this???  I don’t think I could find another surrogate like Vanessa if I searched for the next 10 years.  Infact, I feel sorry for anyone reading this blog who is looking for a surrogate.  Vanessa is one in a billion.  Steve and I are just feeling so blessed right now.

On a different subject, I want to mention something for any potential intended parents in case it helps them in some way.  We made our decision to transfer 3 embryos based on our doctor’s recommendation and also based on the statistics that he gave us.  He told us that for embryos that had been through genetic testing and there were 3 embryos transferred that there was a 3% chance of triplets,  and a 20% chance of twins.  Yesterday I was speaking with a completely different doctor who pointed out that these statistics don’t really apply to us in our situation because of the population that was being accounted for in these studies.  Normally, the only people who do genetic testing are people who are quite old (like 36+) or have some severe infertility issues.  These embryos are then transferred back to old uteruses that might have endometriosis or whatever else.  In contract, our embryos were transferred to a very young and healthy uterus.  Therefore, the statistics he gave us didn’t really apply to us.  We would obviously have a higher chance of more embryos sticking than the older sicklier people.  I don’t know if realizing this before would have made much of a difference  in our decision or not.  I think it would have, but it is hard to say that for sure.  But I just wanted to point it out in case someone out there ends up in our same shoes with a life-time decision to be made in 10 minutes while your surrogate is waiting medicated on the table for the transfer to take place. 

At this point S and I are very excited.  We are joining Vanessa in the optimism of this pregnancy.  I completely understand that people who point out the negative and risks are just trying to warn/protect us because they care.  But I can assure you that we’ve heard it all and were thoroughly warned about it before we even transferred 3 embryos.  So please keep your warnings and negative stories to yourself.  We will rely on the counsel of the best doctors at this point and otherwise continue hoping for best.

And the number is......

We are expecting Triplets!!!!  Due July 21st which probably means they'll arrive in May or June.  Babies will be born via our wonderful surrogate Vanessa.

I know that I'm going to have a few more people on my blog now that I've handed out this link so let me give a brief summary of how we got here:
As many already know, my pregnancies are horrific to say the least.  Our last one was life threatening and we've been advised to not attempt pregnancy again.  We were not content with our family size so we decided to use a surrogate.  We've been trying for the past 20 months(ish) to make it work and finally it has!  The 3 babies are all 100% mine and Steve's.  We are just renting a womb for a while.  This blog has thus far been documentation of our failures.  But hopefully now it will be a documentation of our journey to being parents again.
We are a little nervous, but even more excited about the prospects of triplets.  Our surrogate Vanessa who will be the one going through the misery and bed-rest of it has a very happy bring-it-on attitude which puts us at ease a bit.   Steve and I are SOOO very happy to finally be able to make such an announcement.
Oh, and just an FYI, I won't be posting anything about the surrogacy on facebook.  Come here to comment or ask questions.
Thanks for caring enough to check this out : )
Here we go.........