Friday, July 13, 2012
Our journey in video
Thank you to my wonderful husband who made this video. He made it with no input from me at all. Good summary of our journey through the past 5 years from the lows of my pregnancy to the highs of surrogacy.
His music choice is also perfect. I can't tell you how many prayers we as a family have sent heavenward regarding this aspect of our life. Prayer has been a huge part of this experience. I am here to tell you that I know that the Lord answers our prayers of faith. Thankfully, our story had a very happy ending. But even if it had not, I still know that the Lord is mindful of us and knows what is best for us in the end since we are unable to see the big picture.
If you go back to the first posts of this blog, you notice I have a very "I'm-going-on-a-surrogacy-journey-it-will-be-fun!-come-along" type of attitude. It was almost too easy: Sacrifice financially a bit (ok, a lot) and then bingo: you get a baby. I think the Lord needed to make it take years and many failures and heart breaks to make it work. We were going to quit last year. We had made up our mind. But Dr. Foulk gave us one more extreme step we could take to make it work. It took fasting, prayer and a huge leap of faith but it worked.
I know that the Lord custom makes our trials for all of us. They are designed to make a stronger, better people. He chooses what will be most trying to us and put us on the verge of breaking...so we need him. So that we can use the atonement of Christ to take the pain away. The atonement is already completed: Christ suffered for not only our sins but also our pains both physical and emotional. We don't have to carry the burden ourselves. We just need to utilize the atonement.
I know that these trials and experiences have changed me. I feel so much more sensitive to people around me who are suffering. I've been learned patience and to rely on the Lord and less on myself. I've learned to easily let other less eternity-altering trials go. I don't even blink at a trial if it doesn't affect my family's eternity.
Thanks for coming caring enough to read my blog. This is a beautiful ending to a long sad story. And we lived happily ever after.....THE END.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Post-birth life
Many aspects of post-birth life to write about here. Here are my topics, so pick your own adventure:
1. Life in the hospital
2. Legal Issues
3. Relationship with Vanessa
4. Digging for the negative
5. My relationship with Spencer
1. Life in the hospital
After little Spencer was born, S and I got to go to the newborn nursery while they gave him his bath and shots and stuff. I asked the nurse how many of the moms cry while watching their babies being persecuted so. She said "none- we never have mom's back here. Only dads". Duh! Cool that I get to go where no mom has gone before...
So the way it works in a hospital after a surrogate baby is born is that they give the surrogate mom her own room and then they give baby his own room and parents can "room in" with him. So I slept in a hospital bed for 2 nights at Spencer's side. The room was next to Vanessa's room which was fun so we were back and forth while they were still at the hospital. I wore a name band that matched Spencer's. We both had "Vanessa Amundson" on our name band which was a little weird, but oh well. Vanessa was allowed to pick 1 other person besides herself that had access to the baby. I got the golden ticket so S didn't have any access to him without Vanessa or I present. If I wanted to eat, I had to go to the cafeteria or something and I had to drop baby back off in the nursery (can't leave him with S in our room). One time I did just that and dropped of Spencer at the nursery. Then, after lunch I went to go pick him up again and a new nurse I had not seen before answered the nursery door. I stood there in my street-clothes and said "I'm just here to get my baby". She had that look on her face like "I know you are here to kidnap a baby and you are not going to get away with it". Even while comparing our name bands she seemed dubious. I'm sure the other nurses filled her in real quick after I left.
I also found it entertaining as housekeepers and other such people came in that they would look at me and it was obvious they had no clue how I could be so thin sitting there cross legged on my hospital bed in hospital clothes.
I'm going to be honest here and say that I felt some guilt as I watched swollen-bellied edematous women hobbling down the hallway after just giving birth. I felt very out of place for sure. I felt guilty for being able to enjoy my newborn so fully. With my own 2 children that I gave birth to I wasn't able to fully enjoy my babies nearly as much because half of your attention is your own pain, exhaustion, and breastfeeding. But this time my newborn had my undivided attention. My worst complaint was an uncomfortable hospital bed. Yep, I felt some guilt.
Oh, one thing S and I thought was funny was on the way home from the hospital when the hospital financial lady called me. She said "Vanessa says you will be paying the bill for her......(reluctantly)...is that right?" I told her yes and so she told me I'd have both hers and our hospital bill. I know she was trying to prep us for some astronomical number she was going to tell us we owed. "Ok, so if you can't pay it all now, that is ok. The total is $635" I almost laughed at her. Is that it?????!!! After this entire surrogacy experience we are used to some HUGE expenses. Just steve's flight out here cost more than that. I almost told the lady that just the medications alone to conceive little Spencer cost $10,000 and that was only the 5th attempt. It was like someone apologizing as they tell you that your dream house cost $20. Anyway, I thought it was funny but it probably isn't that funny to everyone else.
2. Legal issues
The particular details of my legal issues this surrogacy I will save for another blog post another day. I'll summarize and say that my attorney was supposed to get us what is called a Pre-Birth Order. Some states use them and some do not. A pre-birth order is a legal document signed by a judge that you are supposed to have on hand at the delivery that declares that the intended parents will be on the birth certificate and not the surrogate mother. We were supposed to have it 2 months ago. But, since we didn't have it in place Vanessa is on the birth certificate and she declares who the father is (of course S is the father). Then her husband has to sign something verifying that the baby is not his. So Vanessa and S are on the the birth certificate and I am not. Now it will be figured out in the courts in the next few weeks and then the "original" birth certificate will be "sealed" and S and I will be on the birth certificate. Vanessa and I both predicted about 6 months ago that this would happen and I had decided that it wouldn't be that big of a deal since I knew Vanessa would still give me my baby and all. But I didn't anticipate some of the complicating factors it would cause. First of all, I couldn't make any decisions for Spencer in the hospital. I couldn't approve blood tests and I couldn't sign the consent for the circumcision. The doctor came in to the room ready to have me sign the paperwork for the circumcision and I opened my big fat mouth and told him I wasn't legally the mom. Vanessa had already gone home and S was not at the hospital at the moment. Thus, the doctor wouldn't do it and we had to wait a week to do it at the pediatricians office. So later, at the pediatricians office 2 days after birth we told the doctor and staff there that I was not the legal mother (yet) and that S would not be in the state still on the scheduled day of the procedure. We asked if he could sign the paperwork ahead of time. They said yes and he signed all of the paperwork. Then, after S left the state, they called me and said they had changed their minds and they wanted a legal guardian present at the procedure. So, thankfully I have a great relationship with Vanessa and she was able to pop in the morning of the circumcision and sign paperwork for it. The ridiculous thing about that entire situation is that there was absolutely no solid evidence at all that Vanessa was the legal mother. We had not birth certificate or paperwork from the hospital. I could have pulled any Jane Doe off of the street and declared her to be the legal guardian.
Jordan Valley hospital had only dealt with 2 surrogacies in the past. Both of those situations there had been pre-birth orders in place. They have a "Birth Certificate Specialist' at the hospital. We made her job really hard the day we were there. She was on the phone with people from the State trying to figure out what to do with us because she had no idea. My attorney had given me a run down of what would have to be done with the birth certificiate and paperwork, and I showed the hospital lady the email from my attorney, but she didn't believe any of it and had to go find it out herself the hard way. All of this slowed our progress in getting out to of the hospital.
At this point if Spencer has to get blood drawn again or something there is no way I'm going to mention the fact that I'm not the legal mother. It is a huge pain and I will be by the end of the month anyway and I'll be made the mom retroactively from the moment of birth. No sense in complicating things anymore. Lesson learned.
3. My relationship with Vanessa.
This entire surrogacy experience has been so fairy-tale like. It was the ideal surrogacy experience. I would never do without a legal contract (even with family) but there wasn't once where we had to use it or argue anything.
We agree at this point that we will have an open relationship. Considering we don't live in the same State, we probably won't see each other much-- but we have special friendship. I've loved the few times she has visited since we had Spencer. It is fun to watch her hold him and I know we both feel a sense of pride for his cuteness. I added the most important ingredients and she added the others and did all of the cooking : )
I agree with Vanessa that I think she should have a life-time "auntie Vanessa" sort of relationship. It is great that we both feel the same about this. I guess in the end, it is the intended parents who make the final call. Just glad we agree! Vanessa will always be special to us and she'll get school picture every year and we'll keep in touch.
4. Digging for the Negative
Overall, my experience with surrogacy experience with Vanessa was so so very wonderful. I'm going to point out that I truly am digging here for negativity. The only reason again for you people out there who potentially might do this yourself. Just things to think about to prevent possibly problems.
There are 2 things that I thought of that bothered me in our entire year long experience.
#1- The fact that we almost delivered our baby at a hospital where we where she was not insured. It didn't end up being a problem in the end since Vanessa figured it out a few weeks ago and she was very great to work with and easy going about switching. Being an intended parent, I have to pay for all of the medical bills and pay for part of insurance, but I have no access to any information about what coverage my surrogate has or where. I had no way of knowing which hospitals where in network versus out of network. Vanessa told me originally that that our original hospital choice was in-network and I had no reason not to believe her. She just assumed that since the doctor she was using (and who was in-network) worked at that particualar hospital, that the hospital was covered too. It was an innocent mistake by someone who hasn't dealt that much with insurance. Good thing she figured it out month 8 because it could have majorly cost us and we had absolutely no way of finding out for ourselves. Anyway-- happy it ended up not being a problem.
#2- The fact that Vanessa and her husband chose to try to get the baby to come without consulting with S or I first. I am in no way angry with her for this. In fact, at this point I'm really glad that they decided to get things moving when they did because the timing really was perfect. I'm glad it didn't happen after S left to go back to Illinois. That day at lunch we had joked about having her go run a marathon to get things moving. But it was very much a joke. S and I had discussed it with just the 2 of us as a possibility. But we had come to the conclusion that even if he missed the birth, or we had to buy another $700 flight, we wanted to let baby come when he was ready to give him the best chance of good health. So, I was a bit hurt to find out Vanessa and Clark and made the decision for us-- jumping jacks, jumping on the bed and stripping her membranes. Anyway- it is history now, and I'm absolutely glad at this point that she did it. Things worked about beautifully.
I might be more sensitive about this topic because in my first contract with my first surrogate. Our attorney gave us what was "standard" for a contract and then we were to adjust it to meet our needs. The only thing that I was absolutely against was the fact that according to the contract, the surrogate was to be paid in full if she gave birth any time after 32 weeks as long as the baby eventually made it either home or to a well-baby unit in the hospital. I've been pregnant before and I know that the last month is miserable so I know it is a temptation for all to try to end it early. What keeps mom's from doing it is their desire to give their child the best chance at health. But if this was a surrogate mom like my first surrogate (whom it did not have any sort of relationship with) what is to stop her from doing jumping jacks and castor oil at 32 weeks? Even if the baby has permanent birth defects and problems for life, she still gets paid in full. I would have preferred that the payments be pro-rated and surrogate be paid for the number of weeks that they were actually pregnant, but my attorney insisted that that was asking too much. So with both of my surrogates the contract said they are paid in full if they deliver after 36 weeks.... and I didn't like it. I just didn't like the idea of them not having financial motivation to keep the pregnancy going for as long as possible. Now I know that Vanessa truly cared about me and my child and wasn't trying to end the pregnancy early just to end her own symptoms. She just figured with S leaving in 3 days she didn't want to make his trip a waste of time/$. Also, her husband was starting a new job in 2 days and she was moving in 7 days. Lots going on. I see her perspective.
Anyway- obviously both of these "negative" things I brought up didn't actually end up being negative. Everything was peachy perfect. But they had the potential of being negative.
5. Relationship with Spencer
I absolutely adore that tiny guy. I sometimes feel like I need to pinch myself when I realize that my dream of so many years has come true! Sometimes when he's been sleeping for a while and I go to "check and make sure he is still cute" I see how sweet he is and I have to do a double-take and remind myself that he is mine.
His poor sweet little head and face has been smothered with kisses from his adoring mom, grandma, and 2 sisters who can't get enough of him.
Some family members this week asked me about my relationship with Spencer as a newborn compared to my other children whose pregnancies I bore myself. I'm going to be honest with the world and my blog and say that the relationship is not the same. But I definitely feel like breastfeeding might be a big part of that. When you breast feed, there is a hormonal attachment going on. If you are away from baby for too long and you start to become engorged, your body sends signals to your brain and you miss your baby. When mothers try to wheen from breastfeeding they often experience a depression. I have none of this. I know that I could have taken the medications to try to start lactation. But for some reason, it just didn't seem important (and it still doesn't). All that is important is getting a healthy baby. the rest of fluff and not worth stressing over.
All moms of multiple children know that when you have another baby sometimes you can forget that you have a newborn when you get busy in your old routine with the other children. I remember the first time Lydia was old enough to go and play instead of being in my arms at a park. I found myself keeping an eye on Kiera because I was used to it and I had to keep reminding myself "oh- I have two to watch now!" Well, I find I'm more likely to forget Spencer than with my others probably because I'm not recovering from childbirth and I'm not lactating.
Lets talk about love at first sight. Again, I'm being perfectly honest here. When baby #1 (Kiera) was born. I think I had some initial negative feelings mixed in with love for a little stranger. That she had put me through hell. I very quickly forgave her and learned to love her over the next few days. Baby #2-- pregnancy had not been quite as bad (still terrible compared to everyone else). Last 3 months had been pretty darn good. When Lydia was born it was love at first sight. I felt like I knew her and the love just expanded from there.
When Spencer was born he felt like a stranger to me but nevertheless it was love before first sight. I broke down in tears in the delivery room at the sight of the nurse preparing the warming-bed for him just knowing that in a few moments my tiny son would be laying there. The birth was so much more of an emotional experience. It had been so highly anticipated. During the pregnancy the time that I had the most uninterrupted time to think was when I was running on my treadmill. I'd start imagining the delivery and meeting my tiny son and I'd break down bawling. (running and bawling are difficult to do at the same time). So in summary, I adore Spencer. I loved him at first sight equal to my 2nd daughter and even more son than my first. But I do find that I'm more likely to forget that I have him when I get busy with something. And I feel the hormonal attachment is not the same as when nursing.
1. Life in the hospital
2. Legal Issues
3. Relationship with Vanessa
4. Digging for the negative
5. My relationship with Spencer
1. Life in the hospital
After little Spencer was born, S and I got to go to the newborn nursery while they gave him his bath and shots and stuff. I asked the nurse how many of the moms cry while watching their babies being persecuted so. She said "none- we never have mom's back here. Only dads". Duh! Cool that I get to go where no mom has gone before...
So the way it works in a hospital after a surrogate baby is born is that they give the surrogate mom her own room and then they give baby his own room and parents can "room in" with him. So I slept in a hospital bed for 2 nights at Spencer's side. The room was next to Vanessa's room which was fun so we were back and forth while they were still at the hospital. I wore a name band that matched Spencer's. We both had "Vanessa Amundson" on our name band which was a little weird, but oh well. Vanessa was allowed to pick 1 other person besides herself that had access to the baby. I got the golden ticket so S didn't have any access to him without Vanessa or I present. If I wanted to eat, I had to go to the cafeteria or something and I had to drop baby back off in the nursery (can't leave him with S in our room). One time I did just that and dropped of Spencer at the nursery. Then, after lunch I went to go pick him up again and a new nurse I had not seen before answered the nursery door. I stood there in my street-clothes and said "I'm just here to get my baby". She had that look on her face like "I know you are here to kidnap a baby and you are not going to get away with it". Even while comparing our name bands she seemed dubious. I'm sure the other nurses filled her in real quick after I left.
I also found it entertaining as housekeepers and other such people came in that they would look at me and it was obvious they had no clue how I could be so thin sitting there cross legged on my hospital bed in hospital clothes.
I'm going to be honest here and say that I felt some guilt as I watched swollen-bellied edematous women hobbling down the hallway after just giving birth. I felt very out of place for sure. I felt guilty for being able to enjoy my newborn so fully. With my own 2 children that I gave birth to I wasn't able to fully enjoy my babies nearly as much because half of your attention is your own pain, exhaustion, and breastfeeding. But this time my newborn had my undivided attention. My worst complaint was an uncomfortable hospital bed. Yep, I felt some guilt.
Oh, one thing S and I thought was funny was on the way home from the hospital when the hospital financial lady called me. She said "Vanessa says you will be paying the bill for her......(reluctantly)...is that right?" I told her yes and so she told me I'd have both hers and our hospital bill. I know she was trying to prep us for some astronomical number she was going to tell us we owed. "Ok, so if you can't pay it all now, that is ok. The total is $635" I almost laughed at her. Is that it?????!!! After this entire surrogacy experience we are used to some HUGE expenses. Just steve's flight out here cost more than that. I almost told the lady that just the medications alone to conceive little Spencer cost $10,000 and that was only the 5th attempt. It was like someone apologizing as they tell you that your dream house cost $20. Anyway, I thought it was funny but it probably isn't that funny to everyone else.
2. Legal issues
The particular details of my legal issues this surrogacy I will save for another blog post another day. I'll summarize and say that my attorney was supposed to get us what is called a Pre-Birth Order. Some states use them and some do not. A pre-birth order is a legal document signed by a judge that you are supposed to have on hand at the delivery that declares that the intended parents will be on the birth certificate and not the surrogate mother. We were supposed to have it 2 months ago. But, since we didn't have it in place Vanessa is on the birth certificate and she declares who the father is (of course S is the father). Then her husband has to sign something verifying that the baby is not his. So Vanessa and S are on the the birth certificate and I am not. Now it will be figured out in the courts in the next few weeks and then the "original" birth certificate will be "sealed" and S and I will be on the birth certificate. Vanessa and I both predicted about 6 months ago that this would happen and I had decided that it wouldn't be that big of a deal since I knew Vanessa would still give me my baby and all. But I didn't anticipate some of the complicating factors it would cause. First of all, I couldn't make any decisions for Spencer in the hospital. I couldn't approve blood tests and I couldn't sign the consent for the circumcision. The doctor came in to the room ready to have me sign the paperwork for the circumcision and I opened my big fat mouth and told him I wasn't legally the mom. Vanessa had already gone home and S was not at the hospital at the moment. Thus, the doctor wouldn't do it and we had to wait a week to do it at the pediatricians office. So later, at the pediatricians office 2 days after birth we told the doctor and staff there that I was not the legal mother (yet) and that S would not be in the state still on the scheduled day of the procedure. We asked if he could sign the paperwork ahead of time. They said yes and he signed all of the paperwork. Then, after S left the state, they called me and said they had changed their minds and they wanted a legal guardian present at the procedure. So, thankfully I have a great relationship with Vanessa and she was able to pop in the morning of the circumcision and sign paperwork for it. The ridiculous thing about that entire situation is that there was absolutely no solid evidence at all that Vanessa was the legal mother. We had not birth certificate or paperwork from the hospital. I could have pulled any Jane Doe off of the street and declared her to be the legal guardian.
Jordan Valley hospital had only dealt with 2 surrogacies in the past. Both of those situations there had been pre-birth orders in place. They have a "Birth Certificate Specialist' at the hospital. We made her job really hard the day we were there. She was on the phone with people from the State trying to figure out what to do with us because she had no idea. My attorney had given me a run down of what would have to be done with the birth certificiate and paperwork, and I showed the hospital lady the email from my attorney, but she didn't believe any of it and had to go find it out herself the hard way. All of this slowed our progress in getting out to of the hospital.
At this point if Spencer has to get blood drawn again or something there is no way I'm going to mention the fact that I'm not the legal mother. It is a huge pain and I will be by the end of the month anyway and I'll be made the mom retroactively from the moment of birth. No sense in complicating things anymore. Lesson learned.
3. My relationship with Vanessa.
This entire surrogacy experience has been so fairy-tale like. It was the ideal surrogacy experience. I would never do without a legal contract (even with family) but there wasn't once where we had to use it or argue anything.
We agree at this point that we will have an open relationship. Considering we don't live in the same State, we probably won't see each other much-- but we have special friendship. I've loved the few times she has visited since we had Spencer. It is fun to watch her hold him and I know we both feel a sense of pride for his cuteness. I added the most important ingredients and she added the others and did all of the cooking : )
I agree with Vanessa that I think she should have a life-time "auntie Vanessa" sort of relationship. It is great that we both feel the same about this. I guess in the end, it is the intended parents who make the final call. Just glad we agree! Vanessa will always be special to us and she'll get school picture every year and we'll keep in touch.
4. Digging for the Negative
Overall, my experience with surrogacy experience with Vanessa was so so very wonderful. I'm going to point out that I truly am digging here for negativity. The only reason again for you people out there who potentially might do this yourself. Just things to think about to prevent possibly problems.
There are 2 things that I thought of that bothered me in our entire year long experience.
#1- The fact that we almost delivered our baby at a hospital where we where she was not insured. It didn't end up being a problem in the end since Vanessa figured it out a few weeks ago and she was very great to work with and easy going about switching. Being an intended parent, I have to pay for all of the medical bills and pay for part of insurance, but I have no access to any information about what coverage my surrogate has or where. I had no way of knowing which hospitals where in network versus out of network. Vanessa told me originally that that our original hospital choice was in-network and I had no reason not to believe her. She just assumed that since the doctor she was using (and who was in-network) worked at that particualar hospital, that the hospital was covered too. It was an innocent mistake by someone who hasn't dealt that much with insurance. Good thing she figured it out month 8 because it could have majorly cost us and we had absolutely no way of finding out for ourselves. Anyway-- happy it ended up not being a problem.
#2- The fact that Vanessa and her husband chose to try to get the baby to come without consulting with S or I first. I am in no way angry with her for this. In fact, at this point I'm really glad that they decided to get things moving when they did because the timing really was perfect. I'm glad it didn't happen after S left to go back to Illinois. That day at lunch we had joked about having her go run a marathon to get things moving. But it was very much a joke. S and I had discussed it with just the 2 of us as a possibility. But we had come to the conclusion that even if he missed the birth, or we had to buy another $700 flight, we wanted to let baby come when he was ready to give him the best chance of good health. So, I was a bit hurt to find out Vanessa and Clark and made the decision for us-- jumping jacks, jumping on the bed and stripping her membranes. Anyway- it is history now, and I'm absolutely glad at this point that she did it. Things worked about beautifully.
I might be more sensitive about this topic because in my first contract with my first surrogate. Our attorney gave us what was "standard" for a contract and then we were to adjust it to meet our needs. The only thing that I was absolutely against was the fact that according to the contract, the surrogate was to be paid in full if she gave birth any time after 32 weeks as long as the baby eventually made it either home or to a well-baby unit in the hospital. I've been pregnant before and I know that the last month is miserable so I know it is a temptation for all to try to end it early. What keeps mom's from doing it is their desire to give their child the best chance at health. But if this was a surrogate mom like my first surrogate (whom it did not have any sort of relationship with) what is to stop her from doing jumping jacks and castor oil at 32 weeks? Even if the baby has permanent birth defects and problems for life, she still gets paid in full. I would have preferred that the payments be pro-rated and surrogate be paid for the number of weeks that they were actually pregnant, but my attorney insisted that that was asking too much. So with both of my surrogates the contract said they are paid in full if they deliver after 36 weeks.... and I didn't like it. I just didn't like the idea of them not having financial motivation to keep the pregnancy going for as long as possible. Now I know that Vanessa truly cared about me and my child and wasn't trying to end the pregnancy early just to end her own symptoms. She just figured with S leaving in 3 days she didn't want to make his trip a waste of time/$. Also, her husband was starting a new job in 2 days and she was moving in 7 days. Lots going on. I see her perspective.
Anyway- obviously both of these "negative" things I brought up didn't actually end up being negative. Everything was peachy perfect. But they had the potential of being negative.
5. Relationship with Spencer
I absolutely adore that tiny guy. I sometimes feel like I need to pinch myself when I realize that my dream of so many years has come true! Sometimes when he's been sleeping for a while and I go to "check and make sure he is still cute" I see how sweet he is and I have to do a double-take and remind myself that he is mine.
His poor sweet little head and face has been smothered with kisses from his adoring mom, grandma, and 2 sisters who can't get enough of him.
Some family members this week asked me about my relationship with Spencer as a newborn compared to my other children whose pregnancies I bore myself. I'm going to be honest with the world and my blog and say that the relationship is not the same. But I definitely feel like breastfeeding might be a big part of that. When you breast feed, there is a hormonal attachment going on. If you are away from baby for too long and you start to become engorged, your body sends signals to your brain and you miss your baby. When mothers try to wheen from breastfeeding they often experience a depression. I have none of this. I know that I could have taken the medications to try to start lactation. But for some reason, it just didn't seem important (and it still doesn't). All that is important is getting a healthy baby. the rest of fluff and not worth stressing over.
All moms of multiple children know that when you have another baby sometimes you can forget that you have a newborn when you get busy in your old routine with the other children. I remember the first time Lydia was old enough to go and play instead of being in my arms at a park. I found myself keeping an eye on Kiera because I was used to it and I had to keep reminding myself "oh- I have two to watch now!" Well, I find I'm more likely to forget Spencer than with my others probably because I'm not recovering from childbirth and I'm not lactating.
Lets talk about love at first sight. Again, I'm being perfectly honest here. When baby #1 (Kiera) was born. I think I had some initial negative feelings mixed in with love for a little stranger. That she had put me through hell. I very quickly forgave her and learned to love her over the next few days. Baby #2-- pregnancy had not been quite as bad (still terrible compared to everyone else). Last 3 months had been pretty darn good. When Lydia was born it was love at first sight. I felt like I knew her and the love just expanded from there.
When Spencer was born he felt like a stranger to me but nevertheless it was love before first sight. I broke down in tears in the delivery room at the sight of the nurse preparing the warming-bed for him just knowing that in a few moments my tiny son would be laying there. The birth was so much more of an emotional experience. It had been so highly anticipated. During the pregnancy the time that I had the most uninterrupted time to think was when I was running on my treadmill. I'd start imagining the delivery and meeting my tiny son and I'd break down bawling. (running and bawling are difficult to do at the same time). So in summary, I adore Spencer. I loved him at first sight equal to my 2nd daughter and even more son than my first. But I do find that I'm more likely to forget that I have him when I get busy with something. And I feel the hormonal attachment is not the same as when nursing.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
pictures say a million words
So these pictures are royally out of order. The main problem is that they are from 5 different cameras. I'm sorry folks, but it would be way too much work to put them in correct order. I don't have the time with a new baby and 2 adjusting older siblings. But, you can get the idea in a backwards sort of way. Awesome music video of the experience in progress
Girls meet brother
Kiera adoring his toes
meeting baby brother
The Nelson family and Clark and Vanessa
Wonderful supportive husband Clark
Vanessa holding Spencer on the outside : )
"I'm so exhausted!"
Mother and surrogate mother
Putting on my wristband with Vanessa's name
She FINALLY gets some ice chips!
Looking for family features
Newborn nursery
Vanessa taking pictures just hours post-birth
Comparing arm size to Spencer size
Me and my tiny roommate in our room for 2 days
Going home
2 day old visit from Vanessa
At Texas Roadhouse just 11 hours before we headed to the hospital. All of us joking "now that we are all here and ready, he won't come!"
Picture says it all
After seeing our sweet son for first time
Guys hanging out on the side-lines during labor
Delivering a placenta. Photographer was yelled at by doctor for this picture
Girls meet brotherKiera adoring his toesmeeting baby brother
The Nelson family and Clark and Vanessa
Wonderful supportive husband Clark
Vanessa holding Spencer on the outside : )
"I'm so exhausted!"
Mother and surrogate mother
Putting on my wristband with Vanessa's name
She FINALLY gets some ice chips!
Looking for family features
Newborn nursery
Vanessa taking pictures just hours post-birth
Comparing arm size to Spencer size
Me and my tiny roommate in our room for 2 days
Going home
2 day old visit from Vanessa
At Texas Roadhouse just 11 hours before we headed to the hospital. All of us joking "now that we are all here and ready, he won't come!"
Picture says it all
After seeing our sweet son for first time
Guys hanging out on the side-lines during labor
Delivering a placenta. Photographer was yelled at by doctor for this picture
Sunday, July 1, 2012
He's here!
THE SHORT VERSION:
-Steve and I got just 24 hours before he was born. Tough choice on same-day tickets but obviously we chose right
-Vanessa's water broke during the night and we all were speeding to the hospital. Baby was very near to being born in on the roads of South Jordan thanks to our freeway exit being closed.
-1 push and baby was out. Very literally. I turned to tell Steve I see his head and by the time I turned back around he was out.
-Spencer was born at 1:06am 6 lbs 4 oz and 18 1/2 inches long. Healthy as can be.
-Vanessa is doing great other than severe arm pain which we were hoping would resolve with birth
-Absolutely magical experience. Loving our sweet son.
I
decided to come to Utah a bit more than a week early (had tickets for the 6th). Vanessa was in her
doctor's office doing paperwork stuff when she saw her doctor passing by and he asked if
she wanted to be checked. Were it not for this check he did, I never
would have made it to Utah on time. 3cm dilated and 80% effaced.
She had another appointment in 2 days so at first S and I decided we
would just wait until then and then make decisions on travel plans. I had
checked on train tickets and there were none available until the 4th of july.
But, the next morning I re-checked and there were 3 (I needed 3 for me
and my girls) for that very day. I bought the tickets at 11:30am and I
left for Utah 5 hours later after some frantic packing....without waiting for that 2nd appointment results.
The train ride takes 30
hours. The next morning while on the train I got the news from Vanessa
about her being 4cm and 90%. So then S. and I have to make the decision
on if we should fly him out now or wait. $700 plane ticket and he is
supposed to be at work on Monday. I felt strongly that he should come so
he too bought same-day tickets.
My train was re-routed
through wyoming due to the fires in Colorado. Delays are
not appreciated when I knew it could potentially mean I miss the
birth of my baby. I was pretty stressed. Vanessa promised to take
it easy and thankfully it worked and she didn't go into labor. The only
thing I could think to do was just pray. Of course my initial thought is
"I need to ask Heavenly Father to not let him come for the next 12
hours". But of course praying helps put things in perspective.
The only thing that I could pray for is that my baby would be healthy and
safe. I just couldn't bring myself to ask the Lord for more than that.
Me and my kids arrived
in Utah on Saturday at 12:30am. Steve arrived at 3:30am. That day we
went to lunch with Vanessa and Clark. Then we managed to get some
pictures together. We planned on spending the evening together but I
backed out because I was so exhausted from 2 nights on a train.
I went to bed at 7pm.
Of course that means that I woke up at midnight and was done sleeping.
I was laying there in bed thinking "maybe I'll go clean the
bathroom" when my phone rang. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it
was Vanessa and my mouth went dry as she told me her water broke.
We had to make an
instant decision: go to the closer hospital (with no insurance coverage
for baby) or make the 20-30 minute drive to the hospital that insurance would pay for. Ultimately I gave the decision to Vanessa so she opted for the
further one and there was no time for discussion. We got in the car and
started racing to the hospital. We cautiously ran about 5 red lights and
intended to speed all of the way there. Unfortunately, we got right
behind a cop. I knew I would be able to explain fast enough if got pulled
over...."we're going to the hospital! Where having a baby!"
"um......"
As luck would have it,
our exit in SLC was CLOSED. Vanessa called and told me about 1 minute
before we got to it. They did not have a GPS but we did so I told her
we'd catch up to her and we'd guide the way. But once we were there we
could not reach Vanessa by phone. It went straight to voicemail. I
was going absolutely nuts thinking to myself "the only reason she would
turn off her phone is if she was having the baby right now". We
managed to get to the hospital where we discovered her car right out front with
the doors open and empty. I'm dashing full speed through the hospital
trying to figure out where she is at wondering if my baby has already been born.
He wasn't there yet but
she was at a 10 and the nurses were telling her not to push since the doctor
wasn't there. It was very weird to be bed-side to someone going through such
terrible pain in my behalf. Very humbling for sure. I wanted to
help-- but my contribution was holding the ice chips. After a few minutes of
her in terrible pain begging to push they let her. I saw about a
golf-ball size amount of hair and turned to tell Steve to come and see his
son's head. It literally took 2 seconds and by the time I turned around
he was laying on the bed. He came out on the first push!
I was so overwhelmed
with emotion. Even more so than with my babies that I gave birth to.
I think when you give birth yourself you are still in that "labor
and delivery amnesia" a bit and things don't fully register or something.
The emotion I felt was the same emotion of when I was kneeling in the
temple being married to the love of my life for time and all eternity. I
was sobbing over the alter just overcome with the fact that my eternity
was permanently changing....for the good. Same feeling
seeing my sweet baby boy for the first time.
This entire thing has
been so miraculous to me. Were it not for Vanessa's doctor running into
her while she was doing paperwork at the office and volunteering to check her
on the spot we would have never known how quickly she was progressing and never
have made the decision to buy same day tickets to come out here. Baby was
born just 24 hours after I arrived and less than 24 after Steve arrived. I
feel like this is one of those "tender mercies" that the Lord gives
us. Yes, it would have been fine for us to miss the birth
practically....but I REALLY wanted to be there with Steve and have this magical
moment together.
So at this point me and
baby Spencer get to hang out together in our hospital room. We are next
door to Vanessa so we've spent plenty of time in there going over the
excitement and craziness of it all and awing over my sweet son. It is fun to have such a great relationship together. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a surrogate who wasn't really my friend. I think this postpartum part of it would feel very awkward. Being in the same hospital unit but yet not wanting to spend time together because you are not really close.
Vanessa, of course, exceeds her wonderfulness and within 8 hours of giving birth she is doing a photo shoot for us.
What an absolutely beautiful experience. I love my life and my sweet baby son! And we all are living happily ever after......not the end.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Getting Antsy in IL
Vanessa called today. 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. Having some strong/uncomfortable contractions.
I NEED to know what this means!!! If she was to tell me right now that she thinks she could possibly be going into labor it would probably take me 12-20 hours to get to her depending on time of day and flights.
I do NOT want to miss this baby being born.
Although I would normally want my baby cook as long as possible, I think I prefer having an earlier induction date just to be on the safe side so everything can be happily in place at the time of birth. Vanessa sees the doctor again in 2 days. Waiting for suggestions from someone professional on whether or not I should start heading west.
I NEED to know what this means!!! If she was to tell me right now that she thinks she could possibly be going into labor it would probably take me 12-20 hours to get to her depending on time of day and flights.
I do NOT want to miss this baby being born.
Although I would normally want my baby cook as long as possible, I think I prefer having an earlier induction date just to be on the safe side so everything can be happily in place at the time of birth. Vanessa sees the doctor again in 2 days. Waiting for suggestions from someone professional on whether or not I should start heading west.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Last minute hospital switch
So this isn't such an exciting post for family or friends, but it is part of the surrogacy experience so I thought I'd better document it.
Today (T-24 days) we decided to change hospitals and doctors and such. We will now be delivering in the Salt Lake Valley (and the doctor's appointments will be there too--about 28 miles away). The problem: insurance. Bla! So Vanessa has insurance (which we pay for) to pay for the delivery. We have different insurance which will cover the baby. Both of these insurance plans have multiple hospitals close to Vanessa that are in-network. However, they cover the exact opposite hospitals. So we had 2 choices: either go to the very rural hospitals, or this hospital in SL.
We have in our legal contract that we are delivering our baby at the hospital in Provo. But that will not be the case. Should we have figured this out before now? Absolutely. Let me tell how the mistake was made so others can avoid the error. So in the let's-make-a-legal-contract phase I asked Vanessa which hospital she would want to deliver at. She suggests a hospital and I made sure my insurance would cover it (assuming that she suggested it because she already knew it was covered by her insurance). She had verified that her doctor who is across the street from the hospital was in-network and therefore assumed that the hospital was in-network too. The only access I have to Vanessa's insurance is what she can send me by email and such. I can not call and verify coverage because I am not her.
Oh well. Good thing we figured it out! Problem solved. Now I just have to pray that Vanessa doesn't deliver my son on the freeway on the way to the hospital!
Today (T-24 days) we decided to change hospitals and doctors and such. We will now be delivering in the Salt Lake Valley (and the doctor's appointments will be there too--about 28 miles away). The problem: insurance. Bla! So Vanessa has insurance (which we pay for) to pay for the delivery. We have different insurance which will cover the baby. Both of these insurance plans have multiple hospitals close to Vanessa that are in-network. However, they cover the exact opposite hospitals. So we had 2 choices: either go to the very rural hospitals, or this hospital in SL.
We have in our legal contract that we are delivering our baby at the hospital in Provo. But that will not be the case. Should we have figured this out before now? Absolutely. Let me tell how the mistake was made so others can avoid the error. So in the let's-make-a-legal-contract phase I asked Vanessa which hospital she would want to deliver at. She suggests a hospital and I made sure my insurance would cover it (assuming that she suggested it because she already knew it was covered by her insurance). She had verified that her doctor who is across the street from the hospital was in-network and therefore assumed that the hospital was in-network too. The only access I have to Vanessa's insurance is what she can send me by email and such. I can not call and verify coverage because I am not her.
Oh well. Good thing we figured it out! Problem solved. Now I just have to pray that Vanessa doesn't deliver my son on the freeway on the way to the hospital!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
As you can see in the top picture, one of my good friends was 9 months pregnant (gave birth 2 days later). Honestly it was a little weird not being pregnant for a baby shower. I guess we celebrate fat tummies a bit at baby showers. But, it was fun to have supportive friends help me celebrate our little one. This is all making it so real and exciting!
My entire nursery is set up. I'm ready to go. I just want to be ready just in case. If she were to go into labor tomorrow I'd be crazed just trying to pack and get to Utah. No time for last minute baby prep. I hope hope hope that all goes as planned and we are there for the delivery.
Counting down the days....
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
In Memory Of....
Today I ventured to a website I haven't been to for a while www.helpher.org which is a site to support women with Hyperemesis Graviderum in pregnancy (which is what I had). I opened the page and below is what I saw. I immediately was sobbing uncontrollably. I can't help but post this in memory of my lost baby. I feel such mixed emotions knowing that there are so many others who had to abort babies they wanted to so badly. I know that many of these women who lost their babies to hyperemesis have gone the surrogacy route. I....and we....are so grateful for surrogates who help ease our pain....just a little bit.
In Loving Memory...
We dedicate the First Annual HG World Awareness Day to the babies and moms lost to HG. The HER Foundation will not stop fighting for these babies and their mothers until an answer of why HG happens and what can be done. At the same time we want to recognize our HG sufferers who are currently enduring HG, we want you to know you are not alone and we are fighting for you and your unborn children. For those who have endured HG in the past, our fight is for you as well.
Luke
07/25/08
Our angel in heaven.
Samuel Alexander Peterson
12/23/2006
Samuel 12/23/2006
Casey Lee
February 3, 2006
Sometimes we do not win the fight against HG. My heart aches for you.
Baby
15 may 2007
In memory of our precious baby boy. 15 May 2007
Brooke
12 October 2010
You will always be in our hearts my little Angel xx
Josephine Bethany Baker
11/02/2003
In memory of my daughter who went to be with the angels on 11/02/2003
Twinks
09/24/08
I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't fight hard enough.
Luke & Mira (twins)
March 17, 2010
HG stole my twins and all my dreams away from me. I will never forget.
Brendan Christopher
May 22, 2009
HG may have taken you away from me, but it will not take away my love for you
Baby
10/21/1992
Forever gone, Never forgotten - Angel sent to Heaven due to undiagnosed HG
little angel
october 12 2010
love you little angel xox
TANA KAMACAJ
oct.2009
please, forgive me...
Hope
May 25, 2004
Missing you always, sweet little one.
Scarlett Juliet
10/13/10
I'm sorry, I was scared. I Love you and you were so dearly wanted.
My Sweet Baby
6/15/1999
I am so sorry, I was weak and scared..I wish I could have held on
Gabriel Tad
12/04/09
We will always love you and never forget you our precious baby.
Baby Rozeboom
July 2010
xoxoxo
Baby Angel Cole
04/30/2007
It takes a second to say I Love You but a life time to show it. xxoo
Clyde Stevenson Gomez Jr.
9-11-08
To our little Angel. We miss you and love you R.I.P
*Angel*
13th September 2008
I never held you in my arms but i will hold you in my heart forever xx
Day babies
08-2008 and 06-2010
I think of you two everyday, I hope I will get to hold you in Heaven.
Baby Moore
March 2003
Forever in our hearts
persephone
17 sept 2010
i love you lost to HG & deep depression your message 'go gently' x
Un named
17/09/07
You will always be my angel. Each day you are in my thoughts.
nataya rutherford
4-8-2008
Im sorry i couldnt fight harder for you baby,forever in my heart.
Ayden Rae Pack
6-12-2007
Mommy & Daddy Love U & miss you! In your name we will help find cure!
Fushiko
Feb. 2008
My little phoenix, I'm sorry I could not walk through fire for you.
Little One
02/04/2009
I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder, forgive me, love you always x
bbies 2 & 4 & my twins
7/06, 10/09, 10/10
my heartaches for the each of you we love you
Baby M
November 12, 2010
You were the gift I didn't know I wanted, and wish I could have kept
Amos
2 Aug 210
Found in heaven, waiting for us to come home. We love & miss you xxx
Angel Who Holds A Piece of My Heart
October 1995
Please forgive my weakness. I think about and mourn you everyday.
Gabriel
September 13, 2002
My precious Gabriel, I am so sorry I wasn't stronger for you.
My baby
February 28th 2006
I wish I could have known you. Please, forgive me.
our wee angel
December 4th 2010
we never got the chance to meet you but will always love you x x x
baby
may 8 2009
you are in our hearts and a part of our souls forever.
Gavin Joseph
10/24/2010
The shooting star in my life, you lit up my world & were gone too soon
hope
02/07/2010
to our precious baby. sorry i wasnt strong enough x never forgotten
Baby Sarah
12/8/2010
I wish my body was strong enough. We will always love you!
Indi
01/03/2007
Goodnight sweetheart. xox
Pregnancy #1, #2, #3, #4 & #6
Our special "What-If" Babies. We'd take HG again if we could keep you.
Baby
23/11/2006
Please forgive me.
MATEO BARRIOS
JULY 2008
You will always be in our hearts.Love Daddy,Mommy,Destiny,and Stephany
Baby
30.December 2010
You were loved little one. Forgive me.
Baby M
December 22, 2010
You were loved and will always be a part of me
My Sweet Darling
Dec 20, 2005
Words cannot express my sorrow....
Muskaan
12/23/2010
I'm so sorry. I could not protect you. Please forgive me.
Daniel
05/25/2011
We love you and miss you baby Daniel!
My LiL Jelly Bean
January 3, 2011
Im sorry I wasnt stronger & didnt fight harder I think of u every nite
Laura & Abby
26 & 31 October 2002
I will see you again in Heaven
Taylor Layne
3-3-04
In loving memory of Taylor Layne, "Gone but not forgotten." 3-3-04
dreams
05/03/2007
my precious twins I lost the fight but will always meet u in my dreams
baby
2000
i'm sorry please forgive me
Little One
October 2008
You were loved and wanted. HG stole you and my hopes and dreams.
Noah P
01/05/2010
i always think of you and how you would look, i cry myself to sleep
Melynda Scarlett Ryan
4/25/11
Just know you were loved little one..till we meet again
Baby O
09/05/2008
I think about you often and who you would have been. R.I.P. <3
Baby
Nov.2006
You will always be in my heart.oxoxoxox
LOVE
May 7, 2011
Please forgive me, I will always love you.
5/4/2011
meet you in heaven!!! Love you
Sophia Rose
4/1/2009
Your are in my heart forever, I think about you every moment.
Bella
21/3/2011
I am sorry I gave up
"Sammi"
November 2004
Wish we had a chance to actually meet...One day we will....
Buggie
5/10/00
Be blessed my baby, your brothers needed me here... Love you forever
Little Angel
March 17, 2011
Please forgive me, I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. Love Mom.
Our twins
1st August 2011
I'm sorry I couldn't keep going for you. Forever in our hearts. xxx
Baby
20/07/2009
I love you. My heart will never be the same again.
my three Angels
2009,10,11
My darling babies. I wanted you more than anything...
Tyler James Durbin-Mibeck
7/8/09
So sorry I didn't get you out in time! 32 weeks
Simone Rose
feb 2005
Even thought I was so ill throughout, I will always have love for you.
Baby twin
10/23/1997
Im sorry I was not strong enough for you to here in our lifes,
Baby
8/2000, 7/2002, 4/2005
I am sorry that I was not strong enough to keep you all. RIP!
Vincent Charles
2/11/10
lost at 20 weeks still thought of every day.
Unamed
August 30,2011
I'm sorry I could not hold you both. We love and miss you dearly!
Lisa
17-10-2011
Never in my arms, always in my heart. You should be here, forgive me.
Joshua Keown Patin
07/10/2009
To our baby boy...We Love and Miss You!!
little blessing
11-20-2011
I'm so sorry, I love you. I hope to see you one day
Valerie Lim
01 June 2011
I am so sorry that I could not protect you. Forgive me. I've Failed.
Angel Baby
10-4-11
Roses are red, violets are blue sugar is sweet but not as sweet as you
zoe bella reardon
may 8, 2009
you are in our hearts and a part of our souls, forever.
my angel
19.11.11
mummys so sorry i failed you my heart is broken
Grandson-Lil Gage
July, 7, 2011
Forever in our hearts!
Baby B
11/22/2011
Mommy is so sorry she was too sick to care for you. Miss you everyday.
Sprout
February 21, 2012
We love you Sprout. You will always be the baby of our dreams.
Baby Ray
10/08/2010
I wish we could have known you!
Hall Babys
2006-2007
For my 3 babies I lost to HG, I'm sorry that I couldn't fight harder
Our Butterfly Baby
2-22-09
"too beautiful for earth"
Sammy
11/2004
Missed but never forgotten
Little Bean
12.04.12
Named by your Big Sister Neve and Big Brother Alex, loved by us all. x
9 of you welcoming 1 more
1994 - 2012
Your sister Neve and Brother Alex want you all remembered together.XXX
Baby Twins
1997
In honor of our unborn Saints
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