I FINALLY recieved the first draft of our contract last night. I paid the attorney to do the contract 2 months ago. My surrogate starts her medications is 2 days and the contract is only NOW being drafted?! I'm quite upset about it. I'm now $12,000 into the surrogacy process and so I've got a lot of $ invested into my surrogate (and she knows it) so I'm so scared that she knows she's got leverage and can change things around from our original agreement between us.
Originally we agreed on 20K for a single baby and 25K for twins with extra for bedrest or c-section and NO other extras. But in the rough draft of the contract my attorney sent to us yesterday there were about 8 things that she included in there that we had not agreed on: $500 for a miscarriage, $5,000 if she needs a hysterectomy. I'm so nervous that my surrogate is going to change her mind and decides she wants these extras! We can't afford them!!! But now she has tons of leverage due to a contract that was drafted way too late.
Also, something that really bothered me about our contract was that it said that the surrogate gets paid the full amount (20-25K) as long as she makes it to 34 weeks pregnancy regardless of the outcome for the baby. I think this is crazy! In that case, what is to stop her from purposely trying to induce labor once she reaches 34 weeks? Who wants 6 more weeks of pregnancy if you can get paid the same for not enduring the most miserable part? Also, if I truely am paying her for her discomfort and time being pregnant (and not paying her for the baby) then why would she get the full reimbursment if she isn't pregnant for the full amount of time? I'm arguing this with my attorney right now but I don't know what the outcome will be yet.
I'm going crazy waiting to find out what my attorney is going to say about some of this stuff. Here I sit pulling my hair out waiting for emails from her....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Theory: it is next to impossible to find a active LDS surrogate
On the intended-parent side of this surrogacy arrangement I feel confident in my decision about surrogacy. I know that S. and I are doing this for unselfish reasons and we are trying to follow the Lords plan of multiplying and replenishing the earth. I could go on and on justifying my stance but I won't. I KNOW that what I am doing is right and good and that should be enough for anyone else.
However, if I was to put myself in the shoes of a LDS potential surrogate I don't think that I could feel so confident. Knowing that the church discourages it would be big enough for me right there to not do it. How could I being strong in my faith go against advice of prophets? The only way I think I could justify doing it is if it was done completely out of charity (not getting paid to do it). My first potential surrogate apparently went through this same line of thought because she and her spouse decided that they would do it for free before they ended up backing out.
Surrogate potential #3 was the closest thing I had to an active/strong LDS surrogate. She had been a surrogate before she joined the church and had told me how amazing and life-changing it was to do that for another couple. She wanted to do it again for someone else. Too bad she ended up having a change in life plans when she got back together with an ex-fiance. Oh well.
In summary, if anyone LDS is out there looking for a strong LDS surrogate to volunteer to go against church suggestions (and get paid for it). Good luck with that. Not impossible, but very much next to impossible.
However, if I was to put myself in the shoes of a LDS potential surrogate I don't think that I could feel so confident. Knowing that the church discourages it would be big enough for me right there to not do it. How could I being strong in my faith go against advice of prophets? The only way I think I could justify doing it is if it was done completely out of charity (not getting paid to do it). My first potential surrogate apparently went through this same line of thought because she and her spouse decided that they would do it for free before they ended up backing out.
Surrogate potential #3 was the closest thing I had to an active/strong LDS surrogate. She had been a surrogate before she joined the church and had told me how amazing and life-changing it was to do that for another couple. She wanted to do it again for someone else. Too bad she ended up having a change in life plans when she got back together with an ex-fiance. Oh well.
In summary, if anyone LDS is out there looking for a strong LDS surrogate to volunteer to go against church suggestions (and get paid for it). Good luck with that. Not impossible, but very much next to impossible.
Meet my surrogate
Ok, I'm going to need a fake name for my surrogate. We'll call her Jane (and of course her husband John Doe). Jane gave me the ok to tell information about her as long as I didn't use any names or identifying information.
Jane is from a small town in Idaho, is 34 years old and is married to Joe for 6 years. They have 4 children (2 of which she gave birth to I believe). Jane and Joe have a family business that they do together and Jane works as a medical assistant for a family-practice doctor.
Jane is an experience gestational surrogate. She gave birth to twins in January 2010. She is currently inactive LDS which was what made us most reluctant to use her. Apparently, people in her small branch in Idaho were very judgemental of her last surrogacy and she has been inactive since.
Jane is very nice but she is very laid back about everything which is both good and bad. I can tell she is going to be very easy-going about money and exact dates, but I can also tell she is going to be easy-going about doing things that are very important to me (like returning phone calls and taking care of insurance issues).
Jane came with a lot of good recommendations from her previous intended parents, the attorney, the coordinators at the clinic, etc.. so I'm hoping and praying that she is as great as everyone says she is.
Because of the fact that she is from Idaho she is charging about $10K less than my other potential surrogates were. Cost of living differences I guess.
Jane is from a small town in Idaho, is 34 years old and is married to Joe for 6 years. They have 4 children (2 of which she gave birth to I believe). Jane and Joe have a family business that they do together and Jane works as a medical assistant for a family-practice doctor.
Jane is an experience gestational surrogate. She gave birth to twins in January 2010. She is currently inactive LDS which was what made us most reluctant to use her. Apparently, people in her small branch in Idaho were very judgemental of her last surrogacy and she has been inactive since.
Jane is very nice but she is very laid back about everything which is both good and bad. I can tell she is going to be very easy-going about money and exact dates, but I can also tell she is going to be easy-going about doing things that are very important to me (like returning phone calls and taking care of insurance issues).
Jane came with a lot of good recommendations from her previous intended parents, the attorney, the coordinators at the clinic, etc.. so I'm hoping and praying that she is as great as everyone says she is.
Because of the fact that she is from Idaho she is charging about $10K less than my other potential surrogates were. Cost of living differences I guess.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Info on insurance for surrogates
For anyone out there who doesn't know much about surrogacy and insurance:
You need to verify that your surrogate has maternity coverage and has no exclusions for surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction in thier policy. They way to do this is for them to request a copy of their policy (or handbook). You will be looking specifially at the maternity coverage and also at the "limitations and exlusions" sections for anything having to do with surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction. If you can't find anything at all about it that is great. It is covered. But look very carefully. Wording about it in the exclusions section can be very very tricky (I think they do it on purpose). Blue cross is surrogacy friendly, Kaiser is not.
Whatever you do, don't ask the people at the insurance company if it is covered. They will red flag the surrogate. It is much better if they don't know that the surrogate is doing a surrogacy.
My surrogate did not have access to a hard-copy of her policy. She only emailed me forwards that she recieved from her company that had the pieces of her policy. This made me very nervous because as far as I know she could have fabricated those forwards. So, to prove to me they were not fabricated my surrogate gave me access to her email account and so I could see the emails from her insurance company in her inbox which made me feel more secure about it all. But I still don't like the fact that the policy is in pieces. What if there is a critical piece missing? I need to protect myself legally.
You need to verify that your surrogate has maternity coverage and has no exclusions for surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction in thier policy. They way to do this is for them to request a copy of their policy (or handbook). You will be looking specifially at the maternity coverage and also at the "limitations and exlusions" sections for anything having to do with surrogacy or 3rd party reproduction. If you can't find anything at all about it that is great. It is covered. But look very carefully. Wording about it in the exclusions section can be very very tricky (I think they do it on purpose). Blue cross is surrogacy friendly, Kaiser is not.
Whatever you do, don't ask the people at the insurance company if it is covered. They will red flag the surrogate. It is much better if they don't know that the surrogate is doing a surrogacy.
My surrogate did not have access to a hard-copy of her policy. She only emailed me forwards that she recieved from her company that had the pieces of her policy. This made me very nervous because as far as I know she could have fabricated those forwards. So, to prove to me they were not fabricated my surrogate gave me access to her email account and so I could see the emails from her insurance company in her inbox which made me feel more secure about it all. But I still don't like the fact that the policy is in pieces. What if there is a critical piece missing? I need to protect myself legally.
The surrogacy plan of events
So this surrogacy transfer is scheduled to occur September 3rd in idaho. My surrogate is currently giving herself injections, and I'll be doing the same in just a few weeks. I'm ever-so excited and nervous about it. I've worked SOOOO very hard to arrange and finace all of this I'm just nervous that something is going to stop it from happening. The only thing that I can think of right now that would stop it would be the contract. My attorney is very very slow at composing our contract. She works at the medical clinic where it is going to be happening and she only does the contract just a few weeks before the transfer occurs. What if there is something in the contract that we and our surrogate can't agree on? I'm nervous.
Searching for a surrogate: advice
I can't tell you how many HUNDREDS of hours surrogate seeking. For anyone out there who is just starting the process I have this advice: First, start with friends and family. See if anyone is
1. Willing
2. Medically clear (had a least 1 uncomplicated pregnancy)
3. has medical insurance with no exceptions (see other blog post for details).
4. Has fees that you can afford.
When I was just starting the process I spent countless hours emailing people who were willing and medically clear. We'd discuss all sorts of things like labor and delivery, amount of communication during pregnancy, etc.. Then, weeks later I'd find out that they wanted $60K for the surrogacy, or that they did not have insurance coverage. So all of the lovely chat was wasted time. I finally learned.
Advice: Don't discuss anything at all until you have verified all 4 of the above requirements. Most people wouldn't offer to be a surrogate unless they had had previous uncomplicated pregnancies. So the first thing you want to ask them is their fees and if they have insurance coverage with no exclusions. Don't be tempted to discuss things with them until these are confirmed as ok.
Here is a brief history of my lined-up surrogates:
1. Friend of mine in my church congregation. Bailed when she found out the church's stance on surrogacy (understandable and ok with me). Lost about $4K
2. aquaintance of my sister in NM. Bailed when she found another couple who was willing to pay more.
3. Husband's cousin's wife. Found out that she didn't have insurance coverage
4. LDS person I found through the internet. Bailed because she got back together with an ex-fiance.
5. (same girl as #2) Increased her prices on me by $9K less than 12 hours after I sent her the confirmation of her and her husband's flights out for the first appointments. Said the changes were non-negotiable. I obviously couldn't trust her so I bailed and lost $800 on the plane tickets.
6. Current surrogate. Told me me had insurance back in march but did not give me any proof of it until June (already $4K in to the process) which made me extremely nervous but it turned out ok.
1. Willing
2. Medically clear (had a least 1 uncomplicated pregnancy)
3. has medical insurance with no exceptions (see other blog post for details).
4. Has fees that you can afford.
When I was just starting the process I spent countless hours emailing people who were willing and medically clear. We'd discuss all sorts of things like labor and delivery, amount of communication during pregnancy, etc.. Then, weeks later I'd find out that they wanted $60K for the surrogacy, or that they did not have insurance coverage. So all of the lovely chat was wasted time. I finally learned.
Advice: Don't discuss anything at all until you have verified all 4 of the above requirements. Most people wouldn't offer to be a surrogate unless they had had previous uncomplicated pregnancies. So the first thing you want to ask them is their fees and if they have insurance coverage with no exclusions. Don't be tempted to discuss things with them until these are confirmed as ok.
Here is a brief history of my lined-up surrogates:
1. Friend of mine in my church congregation. Bailed when she found out the church's stance on surrogacy (understandable and ok with me). Lost about $4K
2. aquaintance of my sister in NM. Bailed when she found another couple who was willing to pay more.
3. Husband's cousin's wife. Found out that she didn't have insurance coverage
4. LDS person I found through the internet. Bailed because she got back together with an ex-fiance.
5. (same girl as #2) Increased her prices on me by $9K less than 12 hours after I sent her the confirmation of her and her husband's flights out for the first appointments. Said the changes were non-negotiable. I obviously couldn't trust her so I bailed and lost $800 on the plane tickets.
6. Current surrogate. Told me me had insurance back in march but did not give me any proof of it until June (already $4K in to the process) which made me extremely nervous but it turned out ok.
Why not adoption?
Once upon a time S. and I had a foster son. He was just 1 month younger that my oldest daughter (11 months). He had been through so much in his little life already and I tried my very best to love him and make things perfectly equal between him and my daughter. But the truth is that I loved my own daughter much more. I made things fair, but it wasn't truely fair because I couldn't help the fact that I loved my own flesh and blood more.
I'm absolutely sure that if I had never been able to have my own children that I would love an adopted child like my own. But I DO have my own children. I'd like to hope that I could love an adopted child as much as my own, but I have no guranteee of that. It would not be fair to a child to bring them into a family and not love them as much. And even if we did, they would always wonder if we did. This is why we have ruled out adoption.
I'm absolutely sure that if I had never been able to have my own children that I would love an adopted child like my own. But I DO have my own children. I'd like to hope that I could love an adopted child as much as my own, but I have no guranteee of that. It would not be fair to a child to bring them into a family and not love them as much. And even if we did, they would always wonder if we did. This is why we have ruled out adoption.
Why we need a surrogate
Brief background on me: I am happily married to my husband (7 years) and we have 2 daughter who I gave birth to myself. Both of my pregnancies were ridiculously complicated with a very extreme case of hyperemesis graviderum. The first pregnancy was very dangerous and I was fed with an IV for much of it and I wanted to be dead for most of it due to my extreme suffering.
After my first pregnancy we planned a surrogacy. It fell through the same month we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant with #2. Pregnancy #2 was a bit better but still extremely complicated compared to anyone else. I was fed with a feeding tube directly into my intestines and had multiple long hospitalizations.
Having a large family is very important to my and S. so we decided to try pregnancy again. In January of 2010 we were forced to abort our 3rd child because the pregnancy was threatening my life. That was indescribably difficult for me. It was at this time that we decided to hire a surrogate to have our babies for us.
After my first pregnancy we planned a surrogacy. It fell through the same month we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant with #2. Pregnancy #2 was a bit better but still extremely complicated compared to anyone else. I was fed with a feeding tube directly into my intestines and had multiple long hospitalizations.
Having a large family is very important to my and S. so we decided to try pregnancy again. In January of 2010 we were forced to abort our 3rd child because the pregnancy was threatening my life. That was indescribably difficult for me. It was at this time that we decided to hire a surrogate to have our babies for us.
My moral views on surrogacy
I am the only LDS person I know who has ever hired a surrogate. When my husband S. and I decided that we wanted to hire a surrogate, I started searching the Internet for any LDS person who had been through this. There was nothing out there. That is part of the reason I'm creating this blog. Surrogacy in the LDS church is "strongly discouraged" and I must start this blog with saying that I agree with that stance. I believe that there is a reason that God gave the powers of pro-creation to men and women together. There are so many ways that surrogacy can be done wrong (and I realize many will have a difference of opinion). I stand firm in my convictions that the following ways of doing surrogacy are wrong:
1. Homosexual couple hires surrogate
2. single person hires a surrogate
3. unmarried couple hires a surrogate
4. people selling eggs or sperm
5. traditional surrogacy (which is a woman selling her own child).
6. There must be a good reason why the intended mother cannot carry her own child or fertility problems. It can't be just to avoid the inconvenience of pregnancy.
I believe that gestational surrogacy is the only moral way of doing surrogacy and the intended parents must be heterosexual and married with a strong relationship.
1. Homosexual couple hires surrogate
2. single person hires a surrogate
3. unmarried couple hires a surrogate
4. people selling eggs or sperm
5. traditional surrogacy (which is a woman selling her own child).
6. There must be a good reason why the intended mother cannot carry her own child or fertility problems. It can't be just to avoid the inconvenience of pregnancy.
I believe that gestational surrogacy is the only moral way of doing surrogacy and the intended parents must be heterosexual and married with a strong relationship.
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